Day Two: Passions Pt. 1

No, not Passions like the TV show that I used to watch when I would skip school and stay home. I am talking about my passions in life. The things that I am passionate about. The things I want to stand for, to do, that I will be able to reflect on and say WOW that was really cool. I am reminded today that my passions are beautiful. A gift from God, and that they are not bad things. There are really two things that God has put in my life that have just been super amazing to me.
Those things are
Travel and Teenagers.

Today I am setting a bucket list of places I would like to travel to. I would like to visit these places at least once in my life. If not more. Some are places that I have been before and would just like to go back and explore some more. I mean, what good is having a passport if I am not using it right? These destinations are not necessarily for any specific purpose or in any specific order but here they are:

-Paris
-Go back to Romania
-Israel
-Tanzania
-South Africa
-Costa Rica
-Ireland
-China
-India
-Thailand
-Australia
-Fiji
-Greece
-Hawaii
-Portland, OR
-Seattle, WA
-Boston, MA
-New York City

Plus more, but I think that is long enough for now. I am going to need a better job to be able to pay for all of that travel... Maybe I should have sought out a career as a flight attendant... hmmm, it's never too late! I just might! =]

Where would you go, if you could go anywhere in the whole world? Maybe I will remember you when I am a flight attendant and racking up miles that I can share.

I love that I have such a sense of adventure. Yet, at the same time it kind of scares me that I have become so settled in a place like Newaygo. Some days I feel like I could stay here forever, other days I feel like I might get stuck here forever (the same fear I get in Peck). But there is nothing wrong with desiring a little adventure in life. So why not go big!

Day two without facebook= complete!

Day One: In need of Resoration

My soul is very deeply in need of restoration. It is broken and hurting at this moment in my life. Some days I don’t even remember why it hurts. I can wear a smile because it is easy, but I know that it may not always be genuine. Over the next 40 days (the Lenten season) I will be taking a break from Facebook, seeking more time with God, diving hard into the Word of God, finding his promises for me again. Feel free to follow me on this journey. I hope to blog every day about my experiences. Since it is the first day I decided to write myself a letter that I can look back on at the end of this time and remember where I was when I started.

Dear Amanda,

Today you have decided to give up facebook for Lent. This is something that at this moment in your life you need very badly. Right now your relationship with God sucks. You are not the same person that you have been. You are sad a lot, lonely, and bored. It is my prayer that this time for you is more than just a facebook fast, but instead a time of rest in your Savior. Use this time to reconnect with your Maker, the one who has created you uniquely for this time and this purpose. Enjoy this time. Let Him lead you into the desert and woo you. Let Jesus take your heart. You are captivating when you are “on” but when you aren’t you know that there are more things that you can be doing to look like Jesus to those around you, but you don’t care. Your words have been unkind lately, you are harboring bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart that should not be there. You need to be intentional. Read way too many books. Love the way Christ loved. Change your heart.

Right now your soul is in a desert place. You have found yourself in another hurt place, brought on by someone who is not worth your time. Now is your time to focus on the only one who can collect your hearts pieces and draw them to him for a purpose.

The song playing right now say this:
“Lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone
Every breath that I take, every moment I’m awake, Lord have your way in me”

Find comfort in your Savior dear girl.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30

It is my prayer that the next 40 day journey will have you resting in Jesus and learning from Him what it means to love people, share with people, and lead people.

Much love, your pre-lent self.

im so over it.

my eyes are tired from crying for over an hour.
my heart hurts from it being cherished, then ripped out, then stomped on, put back.
again...
...and again..
........and again....
for the last three years of my life.
from. you.

but you know what...
i'm done.
i'm over the back and forth
UP and down of us.

the maybe we are, maybe we aren't...
the secrets, the whispers, the texts and the kisses.

i can't do this anymore.

this is me guarding my heart for once in my life.
my relationship with Jesus suffered because i thought i still loved you. and i was willing to put you before Jesus, telling myself that we could grow together when
really we just choked each other out. our seeds could not take root because we were on the rocky soil, we choked each other out like weeds.

but i am in love with the idea of being in love some day. but today is not that day.
tomorrow probably isn't either.

until that day comes, my heart rests in the hands of the only one who can keep it safe.
and protected.
and unbroken.
and whole.
and loved properly.

i WILL fall in love someday.
it will be a beautiful thing.

but today is not that day. yesterday wasn't either. who knows what tomorrow will bring besides healing for this brokenness.
that song cannot be played again.
the memories will cease. i will blanket them in the love of my savior.

im so thankful for friends who love me enough to remind me im worth more than what you have done to my heart.

im over it.
im over you.
tomorrow is a new day.

Happy Self Injury Awareness Day

Today is Self Injury Awareness Day.


This day is very important to me.
It is a day to make people aware of the struggle that some face every day. The struggle is as much of an internal battle as it is a physical reality. And although it may seem strange to some, there is something comforting in this act. It is a journey that takes you from a state of pain to a state of numbness; from a state of reality to a state of dreaming that your world is not your own. There is a connection between those who self injure that people cannot understand. It is an understanding. A connection that reminds them that they are not alone in their pain no matter how hidden they keep their life.

Some wonder how it can be possible to inflict pain upon oneself on purpose. Those who deal with this don’t generally see it as pain. It is an escape, a dream, an alternate to reality, a cure, a help, an addiction. There is a vicious cycle that goes through a person’s brain and it becomes a part of who they are. They begin to believe that their secret (or not so secret in some cases) shame is who they are. They let this act define them. There is no separation between the child that God has created perfect in His image and the pain that they feel. It is an intense thing to understand. I have found that when people are at this point it doesn’t matter their social status or job or race. There is a need to find release from the pain that is persistent, this is the most logical choice. But it is exactly that (most of the time). Whether they understand that or not, it is a choice. It is a choice to pick up the blade, flick a lighter, and hold it to their skin waiting for the short lived “pleasure” they know is on the other side. It is a choice. Many who self injure feel as though it is not because the addiction cycle begins to kick in. They crave it. They need it. More and more and more and more. This cycle can be lengthy, meaning people can go months or even years between injuring or it can be short, meaning people can go only merely moments in between.

My heart hurts for those who struggle with this so badly. It is something that is close to my heart and close to my mind. So many I know struggle.

If you are in this cycle, I promise you there is hope. There can be healing and you can overcome this. I promise. You have to remember your worth and that remember that no matter what you are going through in the moment, in the morning it won’t feel nearly as good. There is something so beautiful and healing about the morning. I wrote this line in my journal a few years ago and continue to cling to this promise of morning.

“The sun will rise in the morning bringing hope and healing”

No matter how dark your nights are, there is always daylight just on the other side.

Next time you see someone with their scars, don’t cringe away. They are people too. Their scars tell a story. Their story is important. It is my prayer that people become aware of this. So many people do it and keep it a secret. If you struggle, share your story. Healing comes with sharing. I would love to listen if you need someone to tell.

With hope and peace. You can overcome.
Happy Self Injury Awareness Day
-A

Reflection Resurrection

The reflection of the moon on the snow.
The reflection of the sunset on the water.
The reflection of the lights in my mirror.
The reflection of the mountains in my heart.
The reflection of the circus under my eyes, where dancing bears and elephants with funny hats have made their home without a ring master to reign them in.

Maybe I was looking without seeing, believing without feeling, seeing the goal but not really caring about the path. Maybe I have fallen into the trap. The "real world" trap that everyone tells you about, yet no one can explain. I was both lured and pushed. Lured by the paycheck, and pushed because of responsibilities and boredom. Thus becomes my life- working to live, living to work? I guess. Or I should say I guessed. Things will change now. There are bridges to be crossed.

Maybe I lost hope.

Maybe I lost reason.

Maybe I lost fear.

Whatever it was, I do not know and I cannot explain or understand.
I just know that suddenly I found myself in a hole. Looking out and I could see nothing but my own reflection.
It was time for a crash, I suppose. The high doesn't last forever. I know that.

But I had to remember words of wisdom that were once shared with me.

"Is the high worth the crashing?"
Yes. This particular high was worth the crashing. It was worth the reflection it gave me. It was worth the resurrection it gave me.

Resurrection for my soul.
Resurrection for my mind.
Resurrection for my purpose.
Resurrection for my goal.

Overcome by grace. and love. and peace.

Look into your reflection today and see if there is some resurrection that needs to happen.

with hope,
-A

Recall and Resolve.

As I look back at the last year I can see how far I have come. I began a journey in 2010 and it was an amazing journey. I have grown so much in the last year that I would have to say that 2010 was one of my favorite years in my 22 years of life. Here are some of my highlights from the past twelve months.
January:
Vacation in Idaho and California spending a wonderful two weeks with some of my best friends. Praying with a woman on Hollywood Blvd. Starting my final semester of college. My soul in a desert place.

February:
One word to sum up my February is: Broken. I was broken when my amazing roommate moved. I was left broken by some friends. My heart broke every Wednesday at youth group. But it was also where my brokenness left me, some of my dear friends showed me hope and love by being there for me, letting me cry on their shoulders, and prayers.

March:
Got my cap and gown for graduation, spent an amazing relaxing spring break at home with my family.

April:
Easter with the fam. Exhaustion and ready for school to be done.

May:
Graduation!!!
A trip to Vermont, moving out of my first apartment.

June:
Left for my favorite place in the whole world, Romania.
Put my feet in the Black Sea. Met so many amazing people.

July:
Shared my testimony with two groups of Romanian teenage girls. Led some amazing camps for the orphans in the south of Romania, Went and experienced some Romanian history (twice) by visiting the castle in Sinia.

August:
Said goodbye to so many amazing friends. Dyed my hair an AWFUL shade of red because I couldn't read the label, then dyed it black to cover up that mistake. Left Romania :( . Started my 1/4 life crisis... What to do now that I no longer had to be in school.

September:
Moved to Pittsburgh. Moved back home from Pittsburgh. Couch surfed for like 2 weeks in Grand Rapids. Got offered the Youth Director position in Newaygo, and happily accepted

October:
Moved to Newaygo. Started doing ministry to the kids that I love so much. Was blessed beyond measure by my church family.

November:
Continued to be blessed by my church. Turned 22. Got a Job at Family Dollar. Went to the National Youth Workers Conference with a whole new perspective. Learned much about restoration.

December:
Got my first tattoo. Spent Christmas with my family. Learned more about heartbreak and love and God's faithfulness.

Resolutions:
1. More God, Less Me.
2. Blog More.
3. Love More.
4. Travel More.
5. Rest More.
6. Overcome More.
7. Read More.
8. Restore.

This year is beginning for me in a New place (Newaygo), in a new house, with new experiences that are going to be exciting.

Even though I am posting this a month and a half into the new year, I still wanted to post this. Just thinking of these things and being reminded of the blessings I had in 2010 is allowing me to enjoy the memories and look forward to the new ones I will create this year. I will blog more soon... I promise.

the battle rages

battles arent won by standing around and watching everything around you fall apart before you realize you have lost. battles are won by seeing the enemy or the problem coming in advance, preparing yourself to handle it, and standing up for you. for your heart. your mind. your faith. the strength will come when you are prepared for the battle.

but only when you are prepared fully. if you are only partially prepared you will only partially win, or partially lose depending on how you look at it.

as your battle rages, you can fight. but don't fight against the changes that are happening. fight for the changes. accept them. if you fight against them, cling to them, and constantly dwell on them, that is part of losing the battle. you weren't fully prepared to face the battle if you are still clinging to the side that has already lost. when thoughts begin to change or when life begins to change from thoughts or a life of hurt and pain to a life of freedom and redemption we get scared. we know that the plateau or mountain top of our spiritual high will not last we would rather cling to the past- whether consciously or subconsciously- because we are comfortable in that pain. we are comfortable and familiar with the feelings and emotions connected to those memories. and we would rather have that comfort than to fall into a new valley of new challenges.

but let me tell you--from experience-- it is better to fall forward into a new valley than to cling to that past. if your heart and mind are stuck on that past, you fall into an unhealthy pattern where little growth can actually take place. this pattern goes something like this:
1. You're down in the valley.
2. You begin to climb out.
3. You keep climbing, but occasionally look back.
4. You reach the top.
5. You start to go over the other side, don't like the way it looks and say "No".
6. You fall back into the same valley you were in before.

in this pattern you don't really get anywhere. you are going to address the same issues over and over and over again until you feel like there is just too much hopelessness and you are a lost cause. if you feel that way, let me tell you... you are not a lost cause. you may feel hopeless, but i can promise you there is hope. when you are properly prepared to fight the battle you can climb that mountain, look back and say "I won", then look over the other side and say i can overcome whatever lies down there.

you might be asking me: "well how can i prepare for this battle" and you probably won't like the answer i'm going to give you. i could give you tips on how i conquered my valley, but what worked for me might not work for you. but i have three places for you to start, as a springboard.
1. pray. pray for wisdom, for guidance, for freedom from whatever is holding you down.
2. actively seek the wisdom of those older than yourself. you would be amazed at what you can learn from some people.
3. don't look so much at the big picture of things. take each individual week, day, moment as it comes.

with hope.
you can conquer this.
amanda.