my bucket list [revamped]

last fall i created a bucket list. there are a few things on it, but i wanted to add a few. so here we go, in no particular order:


Own a Mac
Go on The World Race (www.theworldrace.org)[in the process]
Ride in a hot air balloon at sunset
Camp on the beach
Be a successful youth pastor
Swim with dolphins
Become fluent in another language (maybe even 2)
Live in a big city like NYC for a year
Fall madly in love with a coffee shop in the city
Travel around Europe just meeting people and having fun
Go on a date that ends with a sunset on the beach
Make a friendship bracelet and wear it for over a year
Take a stroll in another country with no agenda
Make a ridiculous music video with my friends
Live in community

That's it so far. i might add to it.
if you haven't noticed... recently i have been neglecting this blog. That is because I have another!! In January I will be heading out of this country on an 11 month mission trip. I am going on The World Race!! Check out my WR blog to see how you can support me and stay updated on my life!!

Check that out here

that was then... this is now.

10 months.
10 months ago i was just returning from Romania. i had no idea what i was going to do with my life. i had no idea what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go. i wanted to get back on the first plane to Romania. but what did i do... i hopped in my car, packed it up and drove to pennsylvania. with me, it seems like when I am running from God's plan I either go BIG or go home. i chose to go BIG. we all know how that turned out for me...

9 months.
9 months ago i had just come home from PA, still wondering what i was going to do... i left my car packed and drove to the only place that had grounded me for the past four years, a place that was my home. Grace Bible College. i wanted to get a job and live with a friend. i had every intention of doing so. i came to visit my students and that is when they asked me...

8 months.
8 months ago i moved to newaygo to be the youth director at Grace Bible Church.

i have lived here for 8 months.
i survived my first school year as not a volunteer helping out in the youth ministry department at a megachurch, but as a youth pastor.

i successfully led a group of high school students to grow closer to God in the past 8 months.

in the past 8 months i have felt happier, heartbroken, loved, valued, and stressed than my entire senior year of college.

i have seen the nitty gritty, dirty laundry, utter pain of my students.

i have seen them worship holding nothing back.

i have experienced a community, a family of high school students that i didn't know was even possible.

i have had to make hard decisions.

i have had to discern when to be a leader and when to be a friend.

my students have been the best thing for me.

they remind me every week that God has put a passion in my heart for the teenagers of this generation.

they remind me God is God and no matter how much i want them to change, the choices they make are their own and that is between them and God.

i have never been so challenged spiritually, so tired from spending hours in tears and prayer, and so encouraged that maybe i am making a difference.

the other day as i was discussing some options with a friend i told him that i couldn't believe i was a youth pastor.
i couldn't believe i finished my first school year here.
i couldn't believe this is what i'm doing with my life and his response to me was "yeah, but you are doing it."

six simple words.

if you had asked me one year ago what i thought i would be doing, my answer would not in a million years have been being a youth pastor. let alone, working at a church that i love, who forgives me when i mess up, who loves me for me, whose vision is the same as mine.

but i am. i'm doing it.

who knows how long i will be here... something big is coming. i know it.
but whatever the change, whenever it comes, i know that i will be ready because my times here is preparing me to do greater things than i could even think of.

inspiration and remembering

the date was in april.
it was a beautiful day in washington d.c.
i was with my favorite classmates...
the peck high school symphonic band of the 2005-06 school year.

we had come on our band trip to this place via gettysburg, pa where we toured the sacred lands where so many died.

during this trip we were privileged enough to play a concert on the steps of the lincoln memorial, visit the World War Two and Korea and Vietnam memorials as well. but the best memory I have from this trip is when I got to place a wreath on the tomb of the unknown solider at arlington national cemetery. myself and three other friends were chosen, voted by our peers, selected to have this great honor. i was able to see the "locker room" of the guards, experience a guard change, and place the wreath under the sun of this april day.


this is myself and my friends Elyse, Andrew T., and Andrew G.

the tomb of the unknown solider sits at the top of a hill in the cemetery. the view from the top is amazing, heartbreaking, astonishing, and sad all at the same time. as you look down upon the rows and rows of white headstones, it makes a straight line in evry direction. all of the people who have given their lives in service to our country... my heart hurt for the families of those affected by the wars. as the horn player began playing taps my heart welled up with thankfulness and prayer. as we turned around and headed back up the steps as the ceremony concluded i could not help but cry. it was overwhelming. it was powerful. it was for sure one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. in that moment i realized, the great and mighty power of God. he knows every solider who has been lost, where they have been laid to rest. He has the power to bring comfort to their families and console them in their pain. He can bring healing and restoration to those who are left behind. He does great things that I cannot even begin to describe or imagine.

today as memorial day, the moment i heard taps being played my mind took me right back to the top of that hill and i cried thinking of how many more headstones there must be, and how many more families have had to endure the pain of losing a loved one to someone else's battle.

if you are a veteran, today, i thank you from the very bottom of my heart for giving your life to serve for the freedoms that i have in my life.

if you are the relative of a veteran, you are an inspiration to me and your willingness and support of your loved one who has served is something the strive for.

<3 in memory of those serving, those who have served, those who have lost their lives, those whose names and resting places are forever unknown.

happy memorial day.

where you go i'll go

where you go i'll go, where you stay i'll stay, when you move i'll move, i will follow you. who you love i'll love, how you serve i'll serve, if this life i lose, i will follow you.

theme song to my life right now.


generally i am not a huge fan of Chris Tomlin, but this song gets me every single time right where it counts. i am literally relying on God for every move of my life at this moment. i am waiting for the okay to move on. but for now i'm staying right where i am because i am not finished here yet. i know the next step. i am just waiting for the go ahead.

until then i am content and happy in my situation.
i do not want to grow weary in doing good here.
i know this is perfect for this season.
my heart is at peace.

so until God tells me to go, here i sit ready and willing to pack up and go when it is time. all the while loving my ministry. loving my church. loving my students.

[[ p.s. listening to my favorite songs through the church sound system with an empty sanctuary singing at the top of my lungs is one of my new favorite ways to worship.]]

over a month, under a decision.

i have been avoiding my blog like the plague. it has been over a month since my last blog
it seems that when i blog my deepest emotions are stirred, worked up, and brought to life. i fear decision making. i fear that i will make the wrong choice. i fear that it wont happen the way it should or that i will set my heart upon it, and it will fall through. i feel like eventually i will say yes to this decision. but trying to decide is the hardest decision i have ever made.

you see, in my heart i have said yes. in my heart i have a million ways to do it.

but in my head, it makes no sense. no logical sense. i begin to worry over the small things. how i will pay, how i will cope, how i will fear, how i will love.

i want to do it, but i don't know if i have the faith for the follow through.
i know i could do it.
i know i could handle it.
i know i would love it.
i know i need it.

but.
im.
scared.

today at church though my pastor was sharing from mark 2 when Jesus is eating with the "sinners". The focus of the sermon was on the fact that Jesus didn't come for those who were righteous, but for those who were sinning. not for the healthy, but for those who need a doctor. that was the main focus of the sermon. but that wasn't the part i needed to hear. the part i needed to hear was in the previous verses. Jesus comes to the place where Levi the tax collector is sitting and Jesus says to him "follow me" and Levi gets up and leaves EVERYTHING he has. EVERYTHING! and follows exactly where Jesus says to go. It is astonishing to me.

i want the faith to do it.
but i don't think i'm there yet. or maybe i passed it. maybe i have been immersed in the christian society so deeply that the education/head knowledge side of me has buried the faith side into a cavern of unbelief.

i want to just get up and follow.

is that even an option?

Carrier l Jared Anderson from Andy Catarisano on Vimeo.

this is inspiring to my journey. i want to the be carrier.
yes.
my heart says yes.
i just need to get my head to match up.

who's counting anymore?

in my life I find that when i concentrate on not doing something i begin by counting.
sometimes the days.
sometimes the hours.
sometimes the minutes.
sometimes the seconds.

some days it is easier to get through by counting. but i find when i count i focus more on the activity i am trying to avoid than the reason why i decided not to do it in the first place. i feel like that is how i have been with this lent season.

giving up facebook for 40 days has been a giant challenge. mostly because that is my main source of communication with a LOT of people. i focused on stopping the behavior but not looking for a cure. almost like putting a band-aid on a wound and leaving it there for a while. if you leave the same band-aid on a wound, first of all lots of infections can happen. second your skin becomes a strange texture of wet skin, in a shade that even crayola cannot capture.

with physical injuries you must tend to your wounds. change the bandages, put on a little neosporin. maybe even pour a little of that burning stuff [you all know what i'm talking about] on it. we have to let the wound air out a little bit. but neglect is not an option.

when i stop counting, i know i am making progress. i am making progress in the healing of this not so physical, but more spiritual wound. i have been wounded, but i didn't want to take care of it. i didn't care and i allowed it to become infected and disgusting, even to me... and im the only one that could see.

so who knows what day it is anymore. or why i would even care.
i now have a closer-to-being-healed wound and the love of my Jesus to care for me.

what else could a girl ask for?

Day thirty: wait, what was I doing?

wow. twelve days seriously?
I missed twelve days of blogging. My life seems to have become like the life an old VCR... at least the one sitting in my living room.
<< sometimes it rewinds
>> sometimes if fast forwards
> sometimes it plays
sometimes it doesn't.
sometimes it makes this noise like it will explode.
often it threatens to just stop working altogether.
sometimes it just shuts off.

yep. my life in the last week and a half.

I have come home to my parents house again. for four days this time. I needed to get my car back. each time it seems like i am rewinding my life to a different time. a different era. a different life.

in the last week an a half i have been busy. not with lots of big things, but little things that seem to take up time and have almost no significance in my life. work mostly, cleaning my house. almost like i am wandering aimlessly. but the last twelve days have gone by so fast. i didn't even notice that i hadn't really blogged. life is flashing forward right before my face, blazing on... not caring if i am living with a purpose or not.

some moments are perfect. not too slow, not too fast. things are happening in those moments just as they were always planned to. last wednesday at youth group was one of these days. i can see the movement in some of my kids. it was a very filling moment for me as a youth pastor. yesterday was one of these days. celebrating the life of a friend at his funeral. remembering how he glorified God in everything he did. being excited because he is finally no longer in pain, but that he is with his perfect Savior in heaven.

the other night i went on a late night Denny's run with one of my good friends. talking with him is something that i haven't really done in a long time. it was good to catch up and to just be confronted with truth. i am thankful for this friendship and understanding. i am glad that i am reminded that when i feel like i don't have the strength to go on because it seems like nothing is changing, that God is moving anyways. that God is moving in bigger ways than i can see right now and i just have to keep doing what i'm doing because it IS working.

i can't power down now. no matter how much i threaten to. i can't. i won't. the things i am doing are more important than letting this life just pass me by and living a boring story.

i am still listening to Aaron Gillespie's Anthem Song Album on REPEAT because it is so amazing!!! and just for today, for a feeling like this, here is a song that resonates with me. hopefully it hits home for you too.



I Will Worship You Lyrics
When I’m losing,
When I’m broken
When I’m sinking like a stone
And it feels like I’m alone
I will worship You

When I’m so scared,
Life is unfair
When I’m tired and lose my way,
When I’m feeling so ashamed
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

When I’m dancing,
When I’m hopeful
When I’m feeling mercy’s hand
And I’m living life again
I will worship You

When chains are broken,
When healing is coming
When Your forgiveness floods my heart,
This is my brand new start
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, our God reigns

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You