that time of year again

senior year. again.

this should be "the best time of my life." according to who? the world? they lied.
this year i have felt my grip on myself slipping away. it is like i almost don't know who i am anymore... yet maybe it is just because i have found and defined a different part of myself.

i am tired.

this semester has been the hardest. the longest. the busiest. the scariest. the most annoying semester ever. i don't even know how i have made it this far without breaking.

as i sit here, once again avoiding things i know must be done i am thinking back on the past four years. thinking of how much i have changed. thinking of how i have changed since i was a senior in high school, even as a freshman, sophomore, and junior in college. i still feel incredibly young, yet at the same time so grown up that it scares me.

i want nothing more than to invest.
invest in people.
invest in lives.
invest in stories.
invest in things that interest me.

but i cant.

something.

keeps.


holding.



me.



back.


it is my committment to the educational system of america.
it is my committment to my parents, promising them i would graduate from college.
it is my committment to doing the right thing.
it is my committment to letting the town of Peck, Mi know that not everyone that comes out of there throws their life away. and that a mediocre education can get you wherever your dreams take you.
it is my committment to the graduating class of 2006 from Peck High School. a committment that proves that not everyone in our class was destinted to stay put, become alcoholics and parents before the age of 20.
it is my committment to myself.
it is my committment to God. this is the education i need to do what He wants me to do with my life, no matter how stubborn about this i am.

im sick of homework. im sick of the routine.

i just want to wake up and not have to worry about if i got a paper done just so that i can get out of this place. without that grade i don't get the piece of paper in May telling the world i have made something of myself. as if that were enough.

i just want to wake up and not worry about if i am going to be dropped from a class if i am tardy one more time because i didn't hear my alarm clock. (i know in the real world if i do this with a job i will get fired, spare me. that internal argument already happened)

there are so many other things that are good though. things that without the binds of my committments. without the binds of the institution of "school" these things would be more amazing. these are my blessings among all of this darkness and dreariness of school.

-my relationship with my roommate. i love her and she is wonderful. we can understand each other and have fun on a level that is beyond so much. she puts up with my flaws so well and i love her and appreciate her so much. she is amazing.

-my friendships that continue to grow and develop as this year progresses. i have let my story affect many people this year and in turn have been blessed to hear many more stories of hope and healing.

-my ministry. i have a passion for the kids in our youth group that goes so much deeper than any of them can see. although i have only met with them 2 times i already love them so much and can see their areas of need. i cannot wait to see what God has in store for these kids.

-community. these people keep me sane and the friendships i have developed through community mean more to me than words can say. they join me on my roller coaster instead of just watching from the sidelines.

i am trying my best to count my blessings today. the haze of the day to day seems to be beginning to lift, but will it be enough?

i know i will outgrow this time. things will relax in January after the semester changes. i just have to make it through this semester. take it day by day. week by week.

my God is a Rock and not a pebble or a stone for a specific reason. He will not bend or break to my small issues. He will help me carry them and make sure their foundation is firm.