mondays. bah!

snow.

today i was planning on going back to my apartment in grand rapids.
to where a piece of my home is.
but no.

the stupid snow came. it was supposed to be done by the time i was going to leave... but my parents said no.

gah.
mondays seem to suck whether they are during school or not.
i want to leave here.

the other day when i was really frustrated when i was shopping with my mom i was listening to her ipod that i put music on a while ago. i put some of the Bible Experience on it. i wasnt really in the mood to listen to the Bible... i wanted to be angry at her. so i was skipping over all of the Bible things that were coming on random. but then i heard the beginning of one and i stopped to listen.

the words were familiar.
i had heard this one many times before.
this was one of the very first passages of scripture that "spoke" to me.
spoke to my heart.
spoke to my life.

and once again in my time of need it spoke to me again.

Psalm 25
Of David.
1[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

this blog is dedicated to every "MONDAY" we have.
although most mondays arent very fun, God. Is. Faithful.

happy monday.

siblings are the best =]

so in the past few days i have come to the conclusion that siblings are the best.

not always just limited to biological siblings but also my brothers and sisters in Christ.

my biological brother is first of all the best ever. i love him so much. he is so cute. he is six years younger than me. about 1/2 an inch shorter than me. and about five thousand times funnier than me (im not that funny). he can make me laugh so hard at even the littlest things... and we think so much alike that we can pretty much always know what the other is thinking. sometimes when i see him, i still see him as this super cute 4 or 5 year old boy who during the summer would wear a red striped bathing suit, cowboy boots, and a winter jacket and carry around toy guns from the dollar store. but then i have to remember that he isnt that little boy anymore... he is almost 15, totally into hollister, aeropostale, his cell phone, and girls. he is on the basketball team for his high school and his voice is changing. ever since i was "old enough" to wish that he would be older so that we could talk about cooler things and more important things i have been waiting for this time in our lives. a time that i knew was coming and that i was ready for but also was dreading. he has been talking to me about girls for years, but today was the first real conversation that made me think that my little baby brother is gone... we talked about his first kiss. oh my gosh that was strange. he accidentally let it slip that he and his ex girlfriend kissed everyday after school. it totally took me by surprise. he isnt my baby anymore... he is growing up and i dont like it. but anyways... he and i have spent some serious time together this break and he is such a cool kid. it is so cool to see him growing up and to see how much of a nice kid he is. he has jokes like there is no tomorrow. he isnt afraid to hug me in public. and he likes to just be crazy sometimes. but through all of his maturity he is still this crazy, immature little boy who wants to just run around like he is 4 again. tomorrow i think we will honor a tradition of ours... we used to watch the movie "some like it hot" and share mozzerella sticks. i think we will do that tomorrow, just for old times sake. i am so thankful that this little boy came into my life. he and i enjoy each others company, we can both relate with how we feel when we are around family and we can have fun together. i am so thankful he is my brother.

now my other kind of siblings are just as wonderful and i am just as thankful for them. these are the siblings that i have through Christ. these are the friends that i go to in my times of trouble and need and excitement and joy. the other night was a rough night and i was able to see just how much these siblilngs cared for me through their actions. some of my sisters who were worried were texting me and praying. one of my brothers called to make sure i was okay. another of my brothers wouldn't stop texting me, he refused, and yet a few more of my brothers were talking to me online, praying, and fighting my battle with me. these siblings are my best friends. they are willing to do whatever it takes to encourage me and keep me sane. just like my brother can make me laugh these siblings can remind me that in all situations God is good. God is faithful. and God will never leave me. although some of my real family is pretty crazy sometimes i am so glad that God has given me this whole other family in the body of Christ who will love me no matter what, no questions asked.

so to all of my brothers and sisters. i love you all so much. thank you for being there through the thick and the thin. you mean so much to me and God is going to bless you so much for the wonderful things you are doing for Him and for His Kingdom. siblings are the best. =]

this house is not a home...

wow. it has been three weeks since i was home last and somehow i feel like things are very much changed since then. maybe it is because the furniture in the living room is rearranged to make room for the christmas tree... or because some of the extra stuff from around the house, once again made its way into my room which is now also known as the storage room. maybe because more of my stuff found its way into boxes in the basement. sometimes i feel like this isnt a place to call home anymore. it is my house, but is it my home?

some people say "home is where your heart is." but what if my heart is in multiple places. right now i can think of at least three different places that hold a piece of my heart:

*Grand Rapids/GBC

*Alexandria, Romania

*Newaygo, Michigan

what is so special about those three places to me?

well... to begin with, grace is where i have honestly lived for the past three and a half years. in that time I have been home a handful of times compared to the number of weeks or weekends spent either in my dorm or in my apartment. i love it there. i love my friends there. i love the family i have made there. we are a family. brothers that you love but sometimes just want to punch. sisters that you bond with, but also sometimes want to shake and yell at them and ask them "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" i wouldnt give these last three and a half years for anything. i love it so much. so much of my story and of my dreams and my reality has been brought to life here. how could part of my heart NOT be there.

then there is Alexandria... before i went to Romania the first time, i had a very strange feeling. I was homesick. I was one of those kids who never got homesick. i love to travel and i loved going new places and experiencing new things, embracing the moments as the came... homesick was something i didnt know how to feel and before i had even gone to Romania i was homesick. homesick for a place i had never been. when i got there i realized why. I loved everything about the place itself. i loved the country and the people and the language and the food and church. that was even before i got to Alexandria. when we got there I found out how much i truly love orphans. that trip was the best most heartbreakingly awesome journey i have ever been on. i found a heart and a passion for orphans that i never knew existed inside of me. the girls of alexandria stole my heart. not only did the orphans steal my heart but my team also had a huge impact on my life and the memories we made in alexandria will stay with me forever. i love them so much more than they could ever know.

finally there is Newaygo... earlier this semester when David asked me to help out with a youth group he was going to be working with in Newaygo i was kind of hesitant. i prayed about it and felt like it was something that i would like to do. i wasnt really sure how they were going to need me or what their youth group would even look like. compared to some of the other youth ministries i have been involved in this youth group looks like nothing special. but i have a heart for these kids like none other. i can see that they are hurting and i am so thankful for the kids who have already opened up to me a great deal through this. these kids are so great and they have so much potential. i just wish they could see that too. i love going there and i miss them when i dont get to see them. i am so thankful for this opportunity and i am glad that i get to be there to influence their lives.

in all of these places i feel like i am contriubting to the sense of community in each place. I feel like i am able to do some good in these places. when I am home i just feel like i am either a pest or i feel like i just need to get out of here. i think of the three days grace song Home and i know i shouldnt feel like this, but i feel like the lyrics are right along with how i feel. "i can hardly wait to leave this place" "no matter how hard i try, you're never satisfied, this is not a home i think i'm better off alone."

i can remember ONE time in the past 7 years that i actually feel like i wanted to be home and liked being home and really didn't want to leave. one time. life shouldnt be like that. home holds so many memories. it almost hurts to be here sometimes. this time is hard because i am attempting to do someting that i REALLY dont want to do. i feel like it won't benefit anyone or anything... but i know in the long run it will make my relationship with at least my mom stronger. in all honesty... i am scared. scared out of my mind. i dont want to be home right now. it is Christmas... i dont want to be here. with the exception of seeing my brother, i dont want to be here because right now it hurts. i can hear the lies, trying to block them out... but they are still there. i can't wait to go back to where i belong... wherever that is... it is not here though. i feel so alone here. that's not okay.

this house is not my home.

motivation

it just so happens that i have some of the very best friends ever.

Friday night was the best night I have had in a VERRRRRY long time.

looking forward to friday was what got me through last week and what will get my through this week coming up.

Friday was the Emery, August Burns Red, and Underoath concert.

Underoath is basically my favorite band ever. They were fabulous and I loved it so much. I had sooooooo much fun. The mosh pit was fun, even though i came out bruised I had the best time of my life. I felt like i was being me.

I was celebrating on friday 6 months of self restraint.

6 months seems like so long, yet it has flown by.

What better way to celebrate the story God has given me to share, than by going to a concert of my favorite band with my best friends.

Renee from To Write Love On Her Arms has a book called Purpose for the Pain.

In it are journals from the healing process for her. She talks about going to concerts and having people love her. At this concert I felt like Renee in a sense.

I was with two of my very, very best friends (Joe and Joey).

Some girls who inspire me (Elizabeth and Kimmy).

Some guys who I am getting to know better who both have awesome stories (David and Marc).

And Joe's siblings who are fun to be around (Jonathan and Jonas).

I could not have had more fun. I felt so loved and so happy to be able to celebrate this milestone with these friends of mine. Topping it off with Emery and Underoath was just almost too much. I was beaming as underoath starting singing some of the songs that have gotten me through the hardest time.

I am so glad I got to go. That concert is going to get me through the semester.

I love underoath.

I love my friends.

I love God.

I love the way this healing process is going.

I still hate school though...

But with all of the other things, I can make it through school alive.