last fall i created a bucket list. there are a few things on it, but i wanted to add a few. so here we go, in no particular order:
Own a Mac Go on The World Race (www.theworldrace.org)[in the process] Ride in a hot air balloon at sunset Camp on the beach Be a successful youth pastor Swim with dolphins Become fluent in another language (maybe even 2) Live in a big city like NYC for a year Fall madly in love with a coffee shop in the city Travel around Europe just meeting people and having fun Go on a date that ends with a sunset on the beach Make a friendship bracelet and wear it for over a year Take a stroll in another country with no agenda Make a ridiculous music video with my friends Live in community
That's it so far. i might add to it. if you haven't noticed... recently i have been neglecting this blog. That is because I have another!! In January I will be heading out of this country on an 11 month mission trip. I am going on The World Race!! Check out my WR blog to see how you can support me and stay updated on my life!!
10 months. 10 months ago i was just returning from Romania. i had no idea what i was going to do with my life. i had no idea what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go. i wanted to get back on the first plane to Romania. but what did i do... i hopped in my car, packed it up and drove to pennsylvania. with me, it seems like when I am running from God's plan I either go BIG or go home. i chose to go BIG. we all know how that turned out for me...
9 months. 9 months ago i had just come home from PA, still wondering what i was going to do... i left my car packed and drove to the only place that had grounded me for the past four years, a place that was my home. Grace Bible College. i wanted to get a job and live with a friend. i had every intention of doing so. i came to visit my students and that is when they asked me...
8 months. 8 months ago i moved to newaygo to be the youth director at Grace Bible Church.
i have lived here for 8 months. i survived my first school year as not a volunteer helping out in the youth ministry department at a megachurch, but as a youth pastor.
i successfully led a group of high school students to grow closer to God in the past 8 months.
in the past 8 months i have felt happier, heartbroken, loved, valued, and stressed than my entire senior year of college.
i have seen the nitty gritty, dirty laundry, utter pain of my students.
i have seen them worship holding nothing back.
i have experienced a community, a family of high school students that i didn't know was even possible.
i have had to make hard decisions.
i have had to discern when to be a leader and when to be a friend.
my students have been the best thing for me.
they remind me every week that God has put a passion in my heart for the teenagers of this generation.
they remind me God is God and no matter how much i want them to change, the choices they make are their own and that is between them and God.
i have never been so challenged spiritually, so tired from spending hours in tears and prayer, and so encouraged that maybe i am making a difference.
the other day as i was discussing some options with a friend i told him that i couldn't believe i was a youth pastor. i couldn't believe i finished my first school year here. i couldn't believe this is what i'm doing with my life and his response to me was "yeah, but you are doing it."
six simple words.
if you had asked me one year ago what i thought i would be doing, my answer would not in a million years have been being a youth pastor. let alone, working at a church that i love, who forgives me when i mess up, who loves me for me, whose vision is the same as mine.
but i am. i'm doing it.
who knows how long i will be here... something big is coming. i know it. but whatever the change, whenever it comes, i know that i will be ready because my times here is preparing me to do greater things than i could even think of.
the date was in april. it was a beautiful day in washington d.c. i was with my favorite classmates... the peck high school symphonic band of the 2005-06 school year.
we had come on our band trip to this place via gettysburg, pa where we toured the sacred lands where so many died.
during this trip we were privileged enough to play a concert on the steps of the lincoln memorial, visit the World War Two and Korea and Vietnam memorials as well. but the best memory I have from this trip is when I got to place a wreath on the tomb of the unknown solider at arlington national cemetery. myself and three other friends were chosen, voted by our peers, selected to have this great honor. i was able to see the "locker room" of the guards, experience a guard change, and place the wreath under the sun of this april day.
this is myself and my friends Elyse, Andrew T., and Andrew G.
the tomb of the unknown solider sits at the top of a hill in the cemetery. the view from the top is amazing, heartbreaking, astonishing, and sad all at the same time. as you look down upon the rows and rows of white headstones, it makes a straight line in evry direction. all of the people who have given their lives in service to our country... my heart hurt for the families of those affected by the wars. as the horn player began playing taps my heart welled up with thankfulness and prayer. as we turned around and headed back up the steps as the ceremony concluded i could not help but cry. it was overwhelming. it was powerful. it was for sure one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. in that moment i realized, the great and mighty power of God. he knows every solider who has been lost, where they have been laid to rest. He has the power to bring comfort to their families and console them in their pain. He can bring healing and restoration to those who are left behind. He does great things that I cannot even begin to describe or imagine.
today as memorial day, the moment i heard taps being played my mind took me right back to the top of that hill and i cried thinking of how many more headstones there must be, and how many more families have had to endure the pain of losing a loved one to someone else's battle.
if you are a veteran, today, i thank you from the very bottom of my heart for giving your life to serve for the freedoms that i have in my life.
if you are the relative of a veteran, you are an inspiration to me and your willingness and support of your loved one who has served is something the strive for.
<3 in memory of those serving, those who have served, those who have lost their lives, those whose names and resting places are forever unknown.
where you go i'll go, where you stay i'll stay, when you move i'll move, i will follow you. who you love i'll love, how you serve i'll serve, if this life i lose, i will follow you.
theme song to my life right now.
generally i am not a huge fan of Chris Tomlin, but this song gets me every single time right where it counts. i am literally relying on God for every move of my life at this moment. i am waiting for the okay to move on. but for now i'm staying right where i am because i am not finished here yet. i know the next step. i am just waiting for the go ahead.
until then i am content and happy in my situation. i do not want to grow weary in doing good here. i know this is perfect for this season. my heart is at peace.
so until God tells me to go, here i sit ready and willing to pack up and go when it is time. all the while loving my ministry. loving my church. loving my students.
[[ p.s. listening to my favorite songs through the church sound system with an empty sanctuary singing at the top of my lungs is one of my new favorite ways to worship.]]
i have been avoiding my blog like the plague. it has been over a month since my last blog it seems that when i blog my deepest emotions are stirred, worked up, and brought to life. i fear decision making. i fear that i will make the wrong choice. i fear that it wont happen the way it should or that i will set my heart upon it, and it will fall through. i feel like eventually i will say yes to this decision. but trying to decide is the hardest decision i have ever made.
you see, in my heart i have said yes. in my heart i have a million ways to do it.
but in my head, it makes no sense. no logical sense. i begin to worry over the small things. how i will pay, how i will cope, how i will fear, how i will love.
i want to do it, but i don't know if i have the faith for the follow through. i know i could do it. i know i could handle it. i know i would love it. i know i need it.
but. im. scared.
today at church though my pastor was sharing from mark 2 when Jesus is eating with the "sinners". The focus of the sermon was on the fact that Jesus didn't come for those who were righteous, but for those who were sinning. not for the healthy, but for those who need a doctor. that was the main focus of the sermon. but that wasn't the part i needed to hear. the part i needed to hear was in the previous verses. Jesus comes to the place where Levi the tax collector is sitting and Jesus says to him "follow me" and Levi gets up and leaves EVERYTHING he has. EVERYTHING! and follows exactly where Jesus says to go. It is astonishing to me.
i want the faith to do it. but i don't think i'm there yet. or maybe i passed it. maybe i have been immersed in the christian society so deeply that the education/head knowledge side of me has buried the faith side into a cavern of unbelief.
in my life I find that when i concentrate on not doing something i begin by counting. sometimes the days. sometimes the hours. sometimes the minutes. sometimes the seconds.
some days it is easier to get through by counting. but i find when i count i focus more on the activity i am trying to avoid than the reason why i decided not to do it in the first place. i feel like that is how i have been with this lent season.
giving up facebook for 40 days has been a giant challenge. mostly because that is my main source of communication with a LOT of people. i focused on stopping the behavior but not looking for a cure. almost like putting a band-aid on a wound and leaving it there for a while. if you leave the same band-aid on a wound, first of all lots of infections can happen. second your skin becomes a strange texture of wet skin, in a shade that even crayola cannot capture.
with physical injuries you must tend to your wounds. change the bandages, put on a little neosporin. maybe even pour a little of that burning stuff [you all know what i'm talking about] on it. we have to let the wound air out a little bit. but neglect is not an option.
when i stop counting, i know i am making progress. i am making progress in the healing of this not so physical, but more spiritual wound. i have been wounded, but i didn't want to take care of it. i didn't care and i allowed it to become infected and disgusting, even to me... and im the only one that could see.
so who knows what day it is anymore. or why i would even care. i now have a closer-to-being-healed wound and the love of my Jesus to care for me.
wow. twelve days seriously? I missed twelve days of blogging. My life seems to have become like the life an old VCR... at least the one sitting in my living room. << sometimes it rewinds >> sometimes if fast forwards > sometimes it plays sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it makes this noise like it will explode. often it threatens to just stop working altogether. sometimes it just shuts off.
yep. my life in the last week and a half.
I have come home to my parents house again. for four days this time. I needed to get my car back. each time it seems like i am rewinding my life to a different time. a different era. a different life.
in the last week an a half i have been busy. not with lots of big things, but little things that seem to take up time and have almost no significance in my life. work mostly, cleaning my house. almost like i am wandering aimlessly. but the last twelve days have gone by so fast. i didn't even notice that i hadn't really blogged. life is flashing forward right before my face, blazing on... not caring if i am living with a purpose or not.
some moments are perfect. not too slow, not too fast. things are happening in those moments just as they were always planned to. last wednesday at youth group was one of these days. i can see the movement in some of my kids. it was a very filling moment for me as a youth pastor. yesterday was one of these days. celebrating the life of a friend at his funeral. remembering how he glorified God in everything he did. being excited because he is finally no longer in pain, but that he is with his perfect Savior in heaven.
the other night i went on a late night Denny's run with one of my good friends. talking with him is something that i haven't really done in a long time. it was good to catch up and to just be confronted with truth. i am thankful for this friendship and understanding. i am glad that i am reminded that when i feel like i don't have the strength to go on because it seems like nothing is changing, that God is moving anyways. that God is moving in bigger ways than i can see right now and i just have to keep doing what i'm doing because it IS working.
i can't power down now. no matter how much i threaten to. i can't. i won't. the things i am doing are more important than letting this life just pass me by and living a boring story.
i am still listening to Aaron Gillespie's Anthem Song Album on REPEAT because it is so amazing!!! and just for today, for a feeling like this, here is a song that resonates with me. hopefully it hits home for you too.
I Will Worship You Lyrics When I’m losing, When I’m broken When I’m sinking like a stone And it feels like I’m alone I will worship You
When I’m so scared, Life is unfair When I’m tired and lose my way, When I’m feeling so ashamed I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul, Draw me to You and don’t let go Only Your love can make me whole Jesus, I worship You Jesus, I worship You
When I’m dancing, When I’m hopeful When I’m feeling mercy’s hand And I’m living life again I will worship You
When chains are broken, When healing is coming When Your forgiveness floods my heart, This is my brand new start I will worship You
You are the anchor to my soul, Draw me to You and don’t let go Only Your love can make me whole Jesus, I worship You Jesus, I worship You
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, our God reigns
You are the anchor to my soul, Draw me to You and don’t let go Only Your love can make me whole Jesus, I worship You Jesus, I worship You Jesus, I worship You
As I consider the next step in my journey, I have the things that I would like to do (see my previous post about control). I want to know what the next thing will be, how I will get there and how long I will do it for.
As I shared with someone very important in my life about what I feel that next step will be I was told this: "you were just born into the wrong family for that."
WHAT?
So one of my options is something expensive. Since my family is not wealthy, nor are any of my relatives... that means I was born into the wrong family to do something that I want to do. I was looking for support and found discouragement.
Lately it seems like everyone else knows, but I have no clue. One person tells me to do one thing, another tells me to do another. And my mind says yet another thing.
I know the things that I have been passionate about... only because I have told myself for so long that these are my passions. What if it changed without me realizing it? What if i don't know who I am anymore.
What if I don't remember why I am even passionate in the first place.
The one thing I keep forgetting is to talk to God about this. I mean I do it, but I don't really listen. I say it, without really praying it. I talk at God, not to God. I brush it off, I don't wait. Lately I have been telling God what to do. There I go again, thinking that my plans are greater; my plans are better. why is that?
It's. all. about. CONTROL.
I have this desire, this need for control. But when I take that control, my life becomes utter CHAOS! If any of you have talked to me lately I am changing my mind like crazy, I want one thing one day and another the next day. I desire to do something, but don't have the guts to do it.
I am passionate about my control. I am comfortable in my chaos. But, I. NEED. to. give. it. up.
I need to rest in this thought tonight. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."-- Jeremiah 29:11
-Disney movies are always a great choice -It is always a good choice to sing along to the songs at the top of your lungs while watching Disney movies -The Biggest Loser workouts ARE kicking my butt and I love it! -I want the ice and snow to go away so I can go running -Also, I want to go for a bike ride -It has definitely been too long since I have gone swimming -I miss swimming laps so much -I need to make more money so I can get a YMCA membership -I would like to do a triathlon -I need a bigger bathtub for taking baths… I am too long for mine. -I love spaghetti -I miss my family more than words can describe
Have you ever had to tell someone or a big group of people something you know they are not going to want to hear? Even if you know things won't change immediately because of what you have to tell them. Yeah... I'm definitely there right now.
I know I need a change in my life. I know what that change will be... at least I think.
But crossing the bridge to tell everyone on the other side... those that have NO IDEA it is coming... that scares me.
But I can't let it scare me into settling for a life that I don't want to live.
So this weekend I went home. It was only supposed to be a night. I was going on Friday night and going to come back to newaygo on Saturday because I had to work. Well that definitely did not happen. I got home and was super excited to see my parents and my brother. I miss them an awful lot these days. It just so happened that they were working a fish fry at the school Friday night, which gave me enough time to go visit my lovely friend Crystal who just moved into a new house. She lives on that side of the state and I haven't seen her in months! So as opposed to staying at the fish fry and following my mom around like a puppy, I opted for visiting Crystal.
On my way to her house I got lost and had to turn around. When I turned around there was a Public Transportation bus that was dropping someone off at a pretty sketchy motel, so when a bus stops in front of you, what are you supposed to do?? Stop, correct! Well the two cars in between myself and the bus stopped, then I stopped. The guy behind me on the other hand... he wasn't paying attention and his BIG VAN hit my poor little car. I watched him coming at me in the rear view mirror and helplessly watched him barrel into the back of my car. I pulled off into a parking lot figuring that the guy would follow me and we would have the exchange of information, the calling of police, etc... Wellllllll as I pulled off, he drove past me and angrily stared at me as if it was my fault he hit me, then proceeded to speed off. I looked at my car and there wasn't anything wrong besides a couple of little cracks in my bumper, at least that I could see. I looked in the road and there was just a little bit of rust that had obviously fallen from my darling car. The people who had gotten off the bus taught me a lesson. They had their hands full of groceries, they looked as if they had gotten evicted from a trailer park and the second I saw them I judged them. When I pulled into the parking lot though, they dropped their groceries and came over to make sure I was okay. They made sure that I knew that they saw what happened and that if I was going to make a police report they would be there to say something.
Then I went to Crystal's. We had a lovely visit and for a while I was able to forget about what had just happened. I left Crystal's house and went home, My car seemed like everything was fine... until I turned down my road. I went down the first hill and suddenly my car got VERY loud and wouldn't shift or go any faster than 15 mph. I didn't want to go home and tell my dad, but I knew that I had to. It seems like every time I have been home lately, there is something wrong with my car. Something that he ends up paying for to be fixed. Something that he cannot afford. I was supposed to be going back to newaygo the next day and I couldn't drive with it like that. When I told my dad he was mad. He was mad that I didn't call the police. He was mad that I got hit. It sent me right back to the time I hit a deer. It sent me right back to feeling like I was in high school. It sent me back to feeling like I wasn't good enough.
I sent a text to my manager saying that I wouldn't be able to make it to work the next day. My dad took my car to get it looked at and the damage is extensive and will take lots of work and money. I know it is stressing him out. For the meantime my dad let me borrow his truck. He is so awesome and I love him so much.
As for the settling part, my mom always told me not to settle. I feel as if I might be settling here. Not being settled exactly, but settling for a life that is just a boring story. Settling for a story that has no substance, no real meaning. And I'm not okay with that. I need to figure out how to address this for sure.
"But he wanted to answer my question, so he thought about it and said he didn't think we should be afraid to embrace whimsy." --Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
What is whimsy? And how do I live a story filled with more of it? Reading this book has been amazingly challenging. I don't really even know how to put into words the way it is making me feel besides excited to find and live a life worth retelling. I don't want my story or my life to fade into the darkness. I want to do something, I want to be somebody. I want to move for something important. I want to be radical. I want to live a story filled with whimsy.
But something is holding me back?
The something can change from day to day, but I think I am willing to risk it, to overcome whatever the something happens to be on any particular day and live out this idea of whimsy.
But once again... what is whimsy?
"He said it's that nagging idea that life could be magical; it could be special if we were only willing to take a few risks."
Right now I am not living whimsy. I am living routine and boring. Something that is sooooo NOT me. I find it difficult to live this lifestyle.
I can see point A (where I am now) and I can see point B (where I want to be), but the bridge is covered in fog and I am not quite sure how to get there yet. Hmmm....
Black: Today has been a strange day for me. Yesterday was a tough day. I have so many thoughts in my head sometimes they crowd all around and I can't think straight. I can't remember why I want to know the answer, or sometimes I think of the answer and can't remember the question or why it was important.
Red: Well, when I got home from work last night I decided it would be a good idea to take some vitamins. Many people came into the store today who were sick and I don't want to be sick. So vitamins sounded like the best option. Well... I took a B12 vitamin, not really remembering why I have them in the first place. HAH! Let me tell you, about 15 minutes after I took it, I knew I made a mistake. I was bouncing off the walls. I was dancing around my house, with the music up loud. Then I decided to make coffee.
Orange: B12 + Coffee at midnight, when you live by yourself in a small town... this was my second mistake. HAHA! While drinking the coffee I was reading my Bible, when suddenly it hit me. My house is naked!! The walls are basically bare, and they remind me of the walls at Grace before they were painted. They remind me of the walls in the dorms on move in day before anyone has arrived. They are boring. It is not like "home." So what did I do?
Yellow: At one o'clock this morning I decided to get in my car, drive to the local grocery store to purchase construction paper that was much too expensive. (Almost $5 for only 40 sheet), but I NEEDED to decorate. So I found all of my crayons and markers and tape and some stickers. It was Craft time!
Green: As I sat going through some of my favorite verses and saying, writing them down, cutting them out, I was quite content. I have always been a night owl so being up at 2:30 in the morning rocking out to David Crowder having craft time was not anything out of the ordinary for me. It actually felt totally normal. It reminded me of late nights at the Rec getting stuff ready for Playground... or the night before cheerleading tryouts when my Mom and whoever I happened to be trying out with that year and myself would MAKE our tryout outfits... Or spending time with my beautiful roommates coloring and talking into the wee hours of the night.
Blue: These memories left me feeling lonely though. Because they are so much in my past. I have so many things to look forward to but nothing that I can be sure of. The memories made this old house feel a little colder. a little emptier. a little bigger than it did when I was Orange.
Indigo: When I was tired of crafting and feeling too lonely to go on, I began to read. I began to read the words of someone smarter than myself with so much insight. It made me think a little without really having to think at all. If that even makes any sense. I read until almost four in the morning when I was finally tired.
Violet: Sleep. I slept so well last night that I woke up feeling more refreshed today than I have in a long time. I rested. Maybe it was because I was doing something fun before I went to sleep. Maybe it was because my energy boost crashed. Maybe it was because I fell asleep dreaming about how I can live a better story.
White: Awake. I woke to a lovely phone call from my dad at the crack of 12:45 p.m. I started to look at my day differently. When something is WHITE you can paint whatever colors on it you would like. You can create new colors. You can find new strokes. You can see what you have already done and paint over it to create something new if you want. But the option is there. It is yours to have and to hold and to seize and to create. You were born to create. It is a journey to create this masterpiece. I am positive the Mona Lisa wasn't perfect with the first strokes of the brush. Why should ours be perfect either.
My painting is no where near finished. I can't wait to see the result, but I sure am enjoying the journey. What colors did you experience today?
This image of God wrapping me in his arms is baffling me beyond belief right at the moment.
“There is a God who loves me, and wraps me in his arms”
WOW. Seriously?!
“and that is the place where I am changed, and that’s where I belong”
WHAT?!
I want to be there so badly!! I need to be there so badly! It is the only safe place; the only secure place. I am so glad that I can be there. I love that I can run to Jesus whenever I need to and he will allow me to be me and love me and speak tenderly to my heart when I am in the desert. I just need to stop pretending to have it all together. Because ::newsflash:: I don’t have it all together. That is more of a newsflash for myself. But yes.
Tonight I am reading the Gospel of Luke. Basking in the words and promises of my Savior.
Tonight I am so thankful for grace and mercy. I pray that I will experience the peace that goes beyond my understanding.
Tonight I am thankful for being able to rest in the arms of my savior with his arms wrapped around me.
Luke 1:67-79 67 His father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied: 68 “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come to his people and redeemed them. 69 He has raised up a horn[c] of salvation for us in the house of his servant David 70 (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago), 71 salvation from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us— 72 to show mercy to our ancestors and to remember his holy covenant, 73 the oath he swore to our father Abraham: 74 to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve him without fear 75 in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.
76 And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him, 77 to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, 78 because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven 79 to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.”
In my life I have never been a person to be at rest for very long.
Why would I want to sit still, in one place for a long time when there is a world to be seen, people to be reached, and things to be done?
I am bad a being restful. Like literally, I am terrible at it. There is a difference between being lazy and being restful. One can be lazy without being restful and one can be restful without being lazy. They are easily mistaken for one another, but two completely different things. And if you aren’t careful what can start out as being restful, can very easily turn into laziness.
This is where I find myself today. I find myself feeling very uneasy because I have become settled. I have lived in Newaygo for 5 ½ months for what is an undetermined amount of time. THAT FREAKS ME OUT!!!! When I lived at home during high school, I knew that when I graduated I would leave. I knew that I was going to be attending college somewhere, but college also had a time limit on it. I needed to finish in four years, and I did. But I knew that I wouldn’t be there forever. So being somewhere for an undetermined amount of time scares me so much. Plus it makes me feel lazy. Since I was a baby I have always been on the go. We were always going somewhere, with something to do, people to see. I was taught from the beginning to be very flexible and to go with the flow (I am so THANKFUL for that). But even though flexible and going with the flow is how I run, when the flow seems like it has stopped I don’t like it. When I am not on the go I feel lazy, not restful. When I am on the go, I can appreciate the rest more. I don’t mind a little lazy time here and there, but it is like that old saying “too much of a good thing is a bad thing.” I have so much time here that I am not sure what to do with it all and I am starting to feel like I might be missing out on something. I am 22 years old with a passion for travel and experiences and life… It is so hard for me to be in one place for such a long time. Even when I was in college I traveled a lot. There was always some weekends at home to look forward to, Spring Break, going somewhere over Christmas break, summer break that held endless opportunities. Now that I have graduated it feels like I am being forced to shut down that part of my heart and who I am, just because I am not in college anymore. But who says that I should stop being who I am, just because I am no longer part of a demographic who is expected to do those things. Why should I be expected to stay in one place forever, just because I am now part of the “work force” or “real life?” Why can’t my “real life” be doing the things I am passionate about and love to do?
When I am constantly traveling and busy and doing things, I can appreciate the time I get to rest. But when I sit at home day after day it is hard to appreciate it. Then my rest turns into laziness. I know that God will use this. It is just hard during this process. I am definitely learning patience, in a way that I have never been challenged to learn patience before. I am learning patience and waiting on God until he says it is time to move on. I have confidence that he will tell me when it is okay to go. He placed this passion in me and this free spirit. I know he will use it. Traveling is such a passion of mine. I don’t mind driving, I don’t mind flying, and I don’t mind riding a train. I can’t wait to see how God is going to use it. But until he does, it is my prayer that I will be restful and not lazy with my whole life and use this time to prepare for whatever upcoming adventure he has planned for me!
Just for fun I have done a little number crunching.
Here are some stats: I have been to 4 countries I have been to 20 states. I have ridden a train 3 times. I have flown across the Atlantic Ocean 6 times. Last year alone I flew on 12 flights. In the past five years I have averaged driving 11,600 miles a year on my car (my trusty baby). That is approximately 967 full tanks of gas… a year.
Most of that has happened in the last 4 years. I wouldn’t trade a minute of it (okay maybe a few minutes of waiting in long lines to go through security checkpoints at the airport.. nah just kidding).
First, I must state that Donald Miller is sooooo brilliant!!! Second, I must also state that Aaron Gillespie has an amazing voice!!
I am currently reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" and it is FANTASTIC. And I absolutely cannot turn off "Anthem Song" it has been on repeat almost since I bought it the other day.
So over the past few years I have been so encouraged by the stories of those around me and those who have become my heroes. Where people come from, where they have been in their lives, their journeys are so encouraging to me and I love stories. Donald Miller in this book paints a picture of what exactly 'story' is and how it breaks down. It makes everything that I have learned about 'story' in the last two years of my life fit into a box about the size of an iPod shuffle. This book is blowing my mind and I am not even half way through it yet. It makes me wonder about my story and what it would look like if my story were going to be documented.
The other day I also purchased the new Aaron Gillespie album "Anthem Song" which you can and should buy on iTunes. IT IS SO AMAZING!!!!! One of the songs is called "Earnestly I Seek Thee"
The lyrics are amazing and it makes me think about my life and how I desire to earnestly seek God with everything that I am. I want my story to reflect that I earnestly seek God. If you have not checked out either of them you need to do both (or at least one of them)!
I want to challenge you to ask yourself today, how earnestly are you seeking God and how are you letting your story affect the lives of the people around you. Live an exciting story and seek God with everything you have within you!!
Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Ahh Community. I love community. I have been so blessed by those who are willing to acquaint themselves with me. Yesterday I was able to spend some time enjoying the company of a dear friend of mine just receiving encouragement as well as giving him some as well. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary, we went to Guitar Center and a local bookstore. Before we headed back to where he lives we stopped to grab some dinner. We got back and watched some basketball, enjoyed each other's company. We laughed together, we almost cried together, we ate together, and we pointed each other back to Jesus. Slowly more friends joined us as they got home. The laughter we shared reminded me of how thankful I am for friendship and the joy that comes from sharing life.
Today I enjoyed the company of some girls from my youth group. We dissolved into fits of laughter in my living room, and my kitchen, and my basement. We shared in some tears, we ate some food. I went shopping with one girl this afternoon and we have both been refreshed by the company of each other.
I am thankful for this time that I have had with these girls and they show me so much about life. Some days I only seem to see that it is only what I have to offer them that matters, but in reality they can offer me just as much. They offer me insight, and grace, and respect. They share with me in their hurts and their joys. As I helped one of my girls clean a self inflicted wound tonight, she thanked me for the love and genuine acceptance of her. Not in the way of feeling sorry for her, but the fact that she realized that I am not here to judge her. It really humbled me to know that even though most days it seems like I have no idea what I am doing, God still knows and is able to reach even the toughest of hearts.
No, not Passions like the TV show that I used to watch when I would skip school and stay home. I am talking about my passions in life. The things that I am passionate about. The things I want to stand for, to do, that I will be able to reflect on and say WOW that was really cool. I am reminded today that my passions are beautiful. A gift from God, and that they are not bad things. There are really two things that God has put in my life that have just been super amazing to me. Those things are
Travel and Teenagers.
Today I am setting a bucket list of places I would like to travel to. I would like to visit these places at least once in my life. If not more. Some are places that I have been before and would just like to go back and explore some more. I mean, what good is having a passport if I am not using it right? These destinations are not necessarily for any specific purpose or in any specific order but here they are:
-Paris -Go back to Romania -Israel -Tanzania -South Africa -Costa Rica -Ireland -China -India -Thailand -Australia -Fiji -Greece -Hawaii -Portland, OR -Seattle, WA -Boston, MA -New York City
Plus more, but I think that is long enough for now. I am going to need a better job to be able to pay for all of that travel... Maybe I should have sought out a career as a flight attendant... hmmm, it's never too late! I just might! =]
Where would you go, if you could go anywhere in the whole world? Maybe I will remember you when I am a flight attendant and racking up miles that I can share.
I love that I have such a sense of adventure. Yet, at the same time it kind of scares me that I have become so settled in a place like Newaygo. Some days I feel like I could stay here forever, other days I feel like I might get stuck here forever (the same fear I get in Peck). But there is nothing wrong with desiring a little adventure in life. So why not go big!
My soul is very deeply in need of restoration. It is broken and hurting at this moment in my life. Some days I don’t even remember why it hurts. I can wear a smile because it is easy, but I know that it may not always be genuine. Over the next 40 days (the Lenten season) I will be taking a break from Facebook, seeking more time with God, diving hard into the Word of God, finding his promises for me again. Feel free to follow me on this journey. I hope to blog every day about my experiences. Since it is the first day I decided to write myself a letter that I can look back on at the end of this time and remember where I was when I started.
Dear Amanda,
Today you have decided to give up facebook for Lent. This is something that at this moment in your life you need very badly. Right now your relationship with God sucks. You are not the same person that you have been. You are sad a lot, lonely, and bored. It is my prayer that this time for you is more than just a facebook fast, but instead a time of rest in your Savior. Use this time to reconnect with your Maker, the one who has created you uniquely for this time and this purpose. Enjoy this time. Let Him lead you into the desert and woo you. Let Jesus take your heart. You are captivating when you are “on” but when you aren’t you know that there are more things that you can be doing to look like Jesus to those around you, but you don’t care. Your words have been unkind lately, you are harboring bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart that should not be there. You need to be intentional. Read way too many books. Love the way Christ loved. Change your heart.
Right now your soul is in a desert place. You have found yourself in another hurt place, brought on by someone who is not worth your time. Now is your time to focus on the only one who can collect your hearts pieces and draw them to him for a purpose.
The song playing right now say this: “Lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone Every breath that I take, every moment I’m awake, Lord have your way in me”
Find comfort in your Savior dear girl.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30
It is my prayer that the next 40 day journey will have you resting in Jesus and learning from Him what it means to love people, share with people, and lead people.
my eyes are tired from crying for over an hour. my heart hurts from it being cherished, then ripped out, then stomped on, put back. again... ...and again.. ........and again.... for the last three years of my life. from. you.
but you know what... i'm done. i'm over the back and forth UP and down of us.
the maybe we are, maybe we aren't... the secrets, the whispers, the texts and the kisses.
i can't do this anymore.
this is me guarding my heart for once in my life. my relationship with Jesus suffered because i thought i still loved you. and i was willing to put you before Jesus, telling myself that we could grow together when really we just choked each other out. our seeds could not take root because we were on the rocky soil, we choked each other out like weeds.
but i am in love with the idea of being in love some day. but today is not that day. tomorrow probably isn't either.
until that day comes, my heart rests in the hands of the only one who can keep it safe. and protected. and unbroken. and whole. and loved properly.
i WILL fall in love someday. it will be a beautiful thing.
but today is not that day. yesterday wasn't either. who knows what tomorrow will bring besides healing for this brokenness. that song cannot be played again. the memories will cease. i will blanket them in the love of my savior.
im so thankful for friends who love me enough to remind me im worth more than what you have done to my heart.
This day is very important to me. It is a day to make people aware of the struggle that some face every day. The struggle is as much of an internal battle as it is a physical reality. And although it may seem strange to some, there is something comforting in this act. It is a journey that takes you from a state of pain to a state of numbness; from a state of reality to a state of dreaming that your world is not your own. There is a connection between those who self injure that people cannot understand. It is an understanding. A connection that reminds them that they are not alone in their pain no matter how hidden they keep their life.
Some wonder how it can be possible to inflict pain upon oneself on purpose. Those who deal with this don’t generally see it as pain. It is an escape, a dream, an alternate to reality, a cure, a help, an addiction. There is a vicious cycle that goes through a person’s brain and it becomes a part of who they are. They begin to believe that their secret (or not so secret in some cases) shame is who they are. They let this act define them. There is no separation between the child that God has created perfect in His image and the pain that they feel. It is an intense thing to understand. I have found that when people are at this point it doesn’t matter their social status or job or race. There is a need to find release from the pain that is persistent, this is the most logical choice. But it is exactly that (most of the time). Whether they understand that or not, it is a choice. It is a choice to pick up the blade, flick a lighter, and hold it to their skin waiting for the short lived “pleasure” they know is on the other side. It is a choice. Many who self injure feel as though it is not because the addiction cycle begins to kick in. They crave it. They need it. More and more and more and more. This cycle can be lengthy, meaning people can go months or even years between injuring or it can be short, meaning people can go only merely moments in between.
My heart hurts for those who struggle with this so badly. It is something that is close to my heart and close to my mind. So many I know struggle.
If you are in this cycle, I promise you there is hope. There can be healing and you can overcome this. I promise. You have to remember your worth and that remember that no matter what you are going through in the moment, in the morning it won’t feel nearly as good. There is something so beautiful and healing about the morning. I wrote this line in my journal a few years ago and continue to cling to this promise of morning.
“The sun will rise in the morning bringing hope and healing”
No matter how dark your nights are, there is always daylight just on the other side.
Next time you see someone with their scars, don’t cringe away. They are people too. Their scars tell a story. Their story is important. It is my prayer that people become aware of this. So many people do it and keep it a secret. If you struggle, share your story. Healing comes with sharing. I would love to listen if you need someone to tell.
With hope and peace. You can overcome. Happy Self Injury Awareness Day -A
The reflection of the moon on the snow. The reflection of the sunset on the water. The reflection of the lights in my mirror. The reflection of the mountains in my heart. The reflection of the circus under my eyes, where dancing bears and elephants with funny hats have made their home without a ring master to reign them in.
Maybe I was looking without seeing, believing without feeling, seeing the goal but not really caring about the path. Maybe I have fallen into the trap. The "real world" trap that everyone tells you about, yet no one can explain. I was both lured and pushed. Lured by the paycheck, and pushed because of responsibilities and boredom. Thus becomes my life- working to live, living to work? I guess. Or I should say I guessed. Things will change now. There are bridges to be crossed.
Maybe I lost hope.
Maybe I lost reason.
Maybe I lost fear.
Whatever it was, I do not know and I cannot explain or understand. I just know that suddenly I found myself in a hole. Looking out and I could see nothing but my own reflection. It was time for a crash, I suppose. The high doesn't last forever. I know that.
But I had to remember words of wisdom that were once shared with me.
"Is the high worth the crashing?" Yes. This particular high was worth the crashing. It was worth the reflection it gave me. It was worth the resurrection it gave me.
Resurrection for my soul. Resurrection for my mind. Resurrection for my purpose. Resurrection for my goal.
Overcome by grace. and love. and peace.
Look into your reflection today and see if there is some resurrection that needs to happen.
As I look back at the last year I can see how far I have come. I began a journey in 2010 and it was an amazing journey. I have grown so much in the last year that I would have to say that 2010 was one of my favorite years in my 22 years of life. Here are some of my highlights from the past twelve months. January: Vacation in Idaho and California spending a wonderful two weeks with some of my best friends. Praying with a woman on Hollywood Blvd. Starting my final semester of college. My soul in a desert place.
February: One word to sum up my February is: Broken. I was broken when my amazing roommate moved. I was left broken by some friends. My heart broke every Wednesday at youth group. But it was also where my brokenness left me, some of my dear friends showed me hope and love by being there for me, letting me cry on their shoulders, and prayers.
March: Got my cap and gown for graduation, spent an amazing relaxing spring break at home with my family.
April: Easter with the fam. Exhaustion and ready for school to be done.
May: Graduation!!! A trip to Vermont, moving out of my first apartment.
June: Left for my favorite place in the whole world, Romania. Put my feet in the Black Sea. Met so many amazing people.
July: Shared my testimony with two groups of Romanian teenage girls. Led some amazing camps for the orphans in the south of Romania, Went and experienced some Romanian history (twice) by visiting the castle in Sinia.
August: Said goodbye to so many amazing friends. Dyed my hair an AWFUL shade of red because I couldn't read the label, then dyed it black to cover up that mistake. Left Romania :( . Started my 1/4 life crisis... What to do now that I no longer had to be in school.
September: Moved to Pittsburgh. Moved back home from Pittsburgh. Couch surfed for like 2 weeks in Grand Rapids. Got offered the Youth Director position in Newaygo, and happily accepted
October: Moved to Newaygo. Started doing ministry to the kids that I love so much. Was blessed beyond measure by my church family.
November: Continued to be blessed by my church. Turned 22. Got a Job at Family Dollar. Went to the National Youth Workers Conference with a whole new perspective. Learned much about restoration.
December: Got my first tattoo. Spent Christmas with my family. Learned more about heartbreak and love and God's faithfulness.
Resolutions: 1. More God, Less Me. 2. Blog More. 3. Love More. 4. Travel More. 5. Rest More. 6. Overcome More. 7. Read More. 8. Restore.
This year is beginning for me in a New place (Newaygo), in a new house, with new experiences that are going to be exciting.
Even though I am posting this a month and a half into the new year, I still wanted to post this. Just thinking of these things and being reminded of the blessings I had in 2010 is allowing me to enjoy the memories and look forward to the new ones I will create this year. I will blog more soon... I promise.
I have recently graduated with a BS in Youth Ministry from Grace Bible College. I absolutely loved college. I am passionate about many things. Romanian orphans have my heart. I have been to Romania twice and can't wait to go back again. I am getting ready to start a new journey in my life. Follow me in this adventure!
