who's counting anymore?

in my life I find that when i concentrate on not doing something i begin by counting.
sometimes the days.
sometimes the hours.
sometimes the minutes.
sometimes the seconds.

some days it is easier to get through by counting. but i find when i count i focus more on the activity i am trying to avoid than the reason why i decided not to do it in the first place. i feel like that is how i have been with this lent season.

giving up facebook for 40 days has been a giant challenge. mostly because that is my main source of communication with a LOT of people. i focused on stopping the behavior but not looking for a cure. almost like putting a band-aid on a wound and leaving it there for a while. if you leave the same band-aid on a wound, first of all lots of infections can happen. second your skin becomes a strange texture of wet skin, in a shade that even crayola cannot capture.

with physical injuries you must tend to your wounds. change the bandages, put on a little neosporin. maybe even pour a little of that burning stuff [you all know what i'm talking about] on it. we have to let the wound air out a little bit. but neglect is not an option.

when i stop counting, i know i am making progress. i am making progress in the healing of this not so physical, but more spiritual wound. i have been wounded, but i didn't want to take care of it. i didn't care and i allowed it to become infected and disgusting, even to me... and im the only one that could see.

so who knows what day it is anymore. or why i would even care.
i now have a closer-to-being-healed wound and the love of my Jesus to care for me.

what else could a girl ask for?

Day thirty: wait, what was I doing?

wow. twelve days seriously?
I missed twelve days of blogging. My life seems to have become like the life an old VCR... at least the one sitting in my living room.
<< sometimes it rewinds
>> sometimes if fast forwards
> sometimes it plays
sometimes it doesn't.
sometimes it makes this noise like it will explode.
often it threatens to just stop working altogether.
sometimes it just shuts off.

yep. my life in the last week and a half.

I have come home to my parents house again. for four days this time. I needed to get my car back. each time it seems like i am rewinding my life to a different time. a different era. a different life.

in the last week an a half i have been busy. not with lots of big things, but little things that seem to take up time and have almost no significance in my life. work mostly, cleaning my house. almost like i am wandering aimlessly. but the last twelve days have gone by so fast. i didn't even notice that i hadn't really blogged. life is flashing forward right before my face, blazing on... not caring if i am living with a purpose or not.

some moments are perfect. not too slow, not too fast. things are happening in those moments just as they were always planned to. last wednesday at youth group was one of these days. i can see the movement in some of my kids. it was a very filling moment for me as a youth pastor. yesterday was one of these days. celebrating the life of a friend at his funeral. remembering how he glorified God in everything he did. being excited because he is finally no longer in pain, but that he is with his perfect Savior in heaven.

the other night i went on a late night Denny's run with one of my good friends. talking with him is something that i haven't really done in a long time. it was good to catch up and to just be confronted with truth. i am thankful for this friendship and understanding. i am glad that i am reminded that when i feel like i don't have the strength to go on because it seems like nothing is changing, that God is moving anyways. that God is moving in bigger ways than i can see right now and i just have to keep doing what i'm doing because it IS working.

i can't power down now. no matter how much i threaten to. i can't. i won't. the things i am doing are more important than letting this life just pass me by and living a boring story.

i am still listening to Aaron Gillespie's Anthem Song Album on REPEAT because it is so amazing!!! and just for today, for a feeling like this, here is a song that resonates with me. hopefully it hits home for you too.



I Will Worship You Lyrics
When I’m losing,
When I’m broken
When I’m sinking like a stone
And it feels like I’m alone
I will worship You

When I’m so scared,
Life is unfair
When I’m tired and lose my way,
When I’m feeling so ashamed
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

When I’m dancing,
When I’m hopeful
When I’m feeling mercy’s hand
And I’m living life again
I will worship You

When chains are broken,
When healing is coming
When Your forgiveness floods my heart,
This is my brand new start
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, our God reigns

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You