today is a hard day for me. today is the day i would be leaving to go to Romania again. today one of my friends from my team last year has left (about 4 hours ago) to go back. One of the other girls from my team is already there. That makes me so sad. We all said that we would go back together, when the time came last fall for me to make the decision if i could come up with the money or not I asked the other three girls if they were going. They all said no. So I didn't start fundraising. As the winter turned into spring, Charlene decided she was going to go, and Chantelle too (then Chantelle changed her mind again), but Kayla was still a no. At that point I was torn and had already told H2H that I was not going. I was sad, but at the same time I was okay with my decision. Then when I was in Texas, I found out that Kayla had decided to go back, Charlene was going for sure. Kayla was going for sure. And Chantelle said that if I was in, she was in. It would have been the perfect summer. The four of us back together again in the place that all of our hearts long to be the most. But with only a couple of weeks left before the actual date to leave, and me $3700 short, with no job and barely enough money for rent in the bank, I had to regretfully say I couldn't go. That hurt my heart so much, to know that the girls would all be together without me was so sad... and to know that they all got to see our girls again and some more orphans again was heartbreaking for me. Chantelle then decided that she wasn't going to go, so it was only Kayla and Charlene. Charlene left a few weeks ago to stay with some family before working with H2H and Kayla left today (like I said). I know there is a reason that I am supposed to stay here for the summer, I mean even TODAY I am going to speak at a bible study for my ministry. I am trying really really hard not to let the fact that I am bummed about Romania get in the way of what I am going to say tonight. I know that God has a plan and a purpose and a reason for keeping me here this summer. I might not like it right now, but I will see that in the long run it will be worth it.
It is just a hard day because I really want to see my girls in Romania. Yes, that is very selfish of me. But my heart BREAKS for them every day. My heart LONGS to be there with them and love them like they need to be loved. I have so much love to give and I know that even all my love isn't enough for them, which is why I love them with God's love. I was privleged enough to have a loving family who takes care of me and provides for me. There are some girls there in the orphanage who HAVE families, but life at the orphanage is so much better for them that they decide against living with their families. They have run away from their home to the orphanage because it is a better life. That saddens my heart.
I know that I will get through today. It is hard, but life goes on. I know that I am called to this other ministry right now. So with much humility, I am not following my own heart, I am following God's. He knows what he is doing, and I am pretty sure I would screw it up, so like the high school teenage brat that I was, I put up a little fight as my instinct, but eventually gave in, surrendering and embracing God's calling and plan for my life in this season.
I have to go finish up my notes for tonight now. As sad as I am about Romania, I am just as excited to be speaking tonight to a girls Bible study group. Hopefully I can say some things that will hit home for at least one, if not more of the girls.
Have a great day.
Amanda
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
For Kylie <3
How precious is a life? How many lives can we touch while we are here?
This weekend has been for me a weekend of sorrow, grief, and mourning, but at the same time has been a weekend of celebration and rejoicing. An 11 year old girl I used to babysit for died last Wednesday. She was one of the most beautiful and precious children I have ever seen. Her smile could light a room and her laugh could make you smile, even on your worst day. Kylie Renee Bullis was her name. She loved swimming and swinging. She couldn’t enjoy the same things as most kids because Kylie was severely autistic. She couldn’t hear the sounds of this world and she couldn’t tell us what she was feeling. Kylie has had seizures since she was a little baby, on her bad days she had multiple seizures in the same day. But she was a strong girl. She always came through stronger than before, with a smile on her face giving her family and friends reassurance that things would be okay. Kylie was a fighter and a winner. When I started babysitting her she was only about 4 or 5 years old and I immediately knew that she could fight longer, harder, and stronger than any person I knew. Kylie won so many battles against everything the doctors said was wrong with her. Last Wednesday Kylie’s fighting was over, but she still won this final battle. Now Kylie is free. She is free from this body that has failed her. Because Kylie couldn’t talk and couldn’t hear I can only believe that God was with her the whole time. He could speak truth into her life through the love people showed her, without her having to hear the lies of this world. God could show her the beauty of life beyond what meets our eyes because Ky used her other senses to see things for what they really were. If she needed another way to know what something was, she would put it in her mouth or stare at it within centimeters of her eyes for hours. She could see things on the walls or on the floor that most people would see only as garbage or filth. That was Kylie’s world though. One of my favorite things to do with her was to pick her up and spin around in circles. Even though I knew she couldn’t hear me I would count to three and on three I would begin to spin. She would cling to me so hard, but she knew I wouldn’t let go. As I would spin, she would smile and giggle with her head buried in my shoulder or my neck, and she would never get tired of it. If I put her down she would just stick her arms up at me again. If I picked her up and just stood there she would rock three times, like her body was counting to three to get me to spin her. As a teenage babysitter, it is easy to get frustrated with kids who are old enough to be your siblings when they do something wrong. I could never get frustrated with Kylie though. If I started to, I would look at her and she would look back at me with her big blue eyes and I would just be reminded that when things aren’t perfect it is okay, because there are things that don’t matter… things like if a game gets pulled off the shelf and spilled all over the floor or if a cup of water gets dropped on the floor. Kylie was so in tune with that fact that life isn’t perfect, but if we live each second to its fullest and live moment to moment we won’t miss out on the things that do matter. Today I am not mourning her death. Yes, I am sad, but I am not mourning. I am in fact celebrating her freedom. She does not have to hurt any more. She does not have to go through one more seizure. She does not have to be trapped in her head without hearing or speech. Today she is singing with the angels in heaven. Today she gets to skip and jump rope and ride bikes in heaven. Today the life of a precious 11 year old seems like it was too short, but her life truly has just begun. Her funeral was today, Father’s Day. What better day for her earthly father to say goodbye to his baby girl, and give her back to her Heavenly Father. I did not say goodbye to Kylie today, but rather see you later because it was not goodbye for me. I know I will see this precious baby girl in heaven. I love you Kylie Renee, my first “little sister.”
So, today my friends, I ask you—how precious is a life? Whether you know it or not, your life is influencing someone else’s life. You have the choice of how you will influence them. You make the decision on what they will see when they see you? I know for me, I needed to be reminded of that. People shouldn’t see Amanda or (insert your name here) when they see me (you). They should see Jesus. If you needed that reminder too, don’t let it stop at just a reminder… do something to change. Do something to reflect Christ. Figure out how to get back on track. Ask for help if you need it, reach out your hand… someone will be there to grab it and help you up. Go…Be… Move.
Be Blessed
Amanda
This weekend has been for me a weekend of sorrow, grief, and mourning, but at the same time has been a weekend of celebration and rejoicing. An 11 year old girl I used to babysit for died last Wednesday. She was one of the most beautiful and precious children I have ever seen. Her smile could light a room and her laugh could make you smile, even on your worst day. Kylie Renee Bullis was her name. She loved swimming and swinging. She couldn’t enjoy the same things as most kids because Kylie was severely autistic. She couldn’t hear the sounds of this world and she couldn’t tell us what she was feeling. Kylie has had seizures since she was a little baby, on her bad days she had multiple seizures in the same day. But she was a strong girl. She always came through stronger than before, with a smile on her face giving her family and friends reassurance that things would be okay. Kylie was a fighter and a winner. When I started babysitting her she was only about 4 or 5 years old and I immediately knew that she could fight longer, harder, and stronger than any person I knew. Kylie won so many battles against everything the doctors said was wrong with her. Last Wednesday Kylie’s fighting was over, but she still won this final battle. Now Kylie is free. She is free from this body that has failed her. Because Kylie couldn’t talk and couldn’t hear I can only believe that God was with her the whole time. He could speak truth into her life through the love people showed her, without her having to hear the lies of this world. God could show her the beauty of life beyond what meets our eyes because Ky used her other senses to see things for what they really were. If she needed another way to know what something was, she would put it in her mouth or stare at it within centimeters of her eyes for hours. She could see things on the walls or on the floor that most people would see only as garbage or filth. That was Kylie’s world though. One of my favorite things to do with her was to pick her up and spin around in circles. Even though I knew she couldn’t hear me I would count to three and on three I would begin to spin. She would cling to me so hard, but she knew I wouldn’t let go. As I would spin, she would smile and giggle with her head buried in my shoulder or my neck, and she would never get tired of it. If I put her down she would just stick her arms up at me again. If I picked her up and just stood there she would rock three times, like her body was counting to three to get me to spin her. As a teenage babysitter, it is easy to get frustrated with kids who are old enough to be your siblings when they do something wrong. I could never get frustrated with Kylie though. If I started to, I would look at her and she would look back at me with her big blue eyes and I would just be reminded that when things aren’t perfect it is okay, because there are things that don’t matter… things like if a game gets pulled off the shelf and spilled all over the floor or if a cup of water gets dropped on the floor. Kylie was so in tune with that fact that life isn’t perfect, but if we live each second to its fullest and live moment to moment we won’t miss out on the things that do matter. Today I am not mourning her death. Yes, I am sad, but I am not mourning. I am in fact celebrating her freedom. She does not have to hurt any more. She does not have to go through one more seizure. She does not have to be trapped in her head without hearing or speech. Today she is singing with the angels in heaven. Today she gets to skip and jump rope and ride bikes in heaven. Today the life of a precious 11 year old seems like it was too short, but her life truly has just begun. Her funeral was today, Father’s Day. What better day for her earthly father to say goodbye to his baby girl, and give her back to her Heavenly Father. I did not say goodbye to Kylie today, but rather see you later because it was not goodbye for me. I know I will see this precious baby girl in heaven. I love you Kylie Renee, my first “little sister.”
So, today my friends, I ask you—how precious is a life? Whether you know it or not, your life is influencing someone else’s life. You have the choice of how you will influence them. You make the decision on what they will see when they see you? I know for me, I needed to be reminded of that. People shouldn’t see Amanda or (insert your name here) when they see me (you). They should see Jesus. If you needed that reminder too, don’t let it stop at just a reminder… do something to change. Do something to reflect Christ. Figure out how to get back on track. Ask for help if you need it, reach out your hand… someone will be there to grab it and help you up. Go…Be… Move.
Be Blessed
Amanda
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