hard day.

today is a hard day for me. today is the day i would be leaving to go to Romania again. today one of my friends from my team last year has left (about 4 hours ago) to go back. One of the other girls from my team is already there. That makes me so sad. We all said that we would go back together, when the time came last fall for me to make the decision if i could come up with the money or not I asked the other three girls if they were going. They all said no. So I didn't start fundraising. As the winter turned into spring, Charlene decided she was going to go, and Chantelle too (then Chantelle changed her mind again), but Kayla was still a no. At that point I was torn and had already told H2H that I was not going. I was sad, but at the same time I was okay with my decision. Then when I was in Texas, I found out that Kayla had decided to go back, Charlene was going for sure. Kayla was going for sure. And Chantelle said that if I was in, she was in. It would have been the perfect summer. The four of us back together again in the place that all of our hearts long to be the most. But with only a couple of weeks left before the actual date to leave, and me $3700 short, with no job and barely enough money for rent in the bank, I had to regretfully say I couldn't go. That hurt my heart so much, to know that the girls would all be together without me was so sad... and to know that they all got to see our girls again and some more orphans again was heartbreaking for me. Chantelle then decided that she wasn't going to go, so it was only Kayla and Charlene. Charlene left a few weeks ago to stay with some family before working with H2H and Kayla left today (like I said). I know there is a reason that I am supposed to stay here for the summer, I mean even TODAY I am going to speak at a bible study for my ministry. I am trying really really hard not to let the fact that I am bummed about Romania get in the way of what I am going to say tonight. I know that God has a plan and a purpose and a reason for keeping me here this summer. I might not like it right now, but I will see that in the long run it will be worth it.

It is just a hard day because I really want to see my girls in Romania. Yes, that is very selfish of me. But my heart BREAKS for them every day. My heart LONGS to be there with them and love them like they need to be loved. I have so much love to give and I know that even all my love isn't enough for them, which is why I love them with God's love. I was privleged enough to have a loving family who takes care of me and provides for me. There are some girls there in the orphanage who HAVE families, but life at the orphanage is so much better for them that they decide against living with their families. They have run away from their home to the orphanage because it is a better life. That saddens my heart.

I know that I will get through today. It is hard, but life goes on. I know that I am called to this other ministry right now. So with much humility, I am not following my own heart, I am following God's. He knows what he is doing, and I am pretty sure I would screw it up, so like the high school teenage brat that I was, I put up a little fight as my instinct, but eventually gave in, surrendering and embracing God's calling and plan for my life in this season.

I have to go finish up my notes for tonight now. As sad as I am about Romania, I am just as excited to be speaking tonight to a girls Bible study group. Hopefully I can say some things that will hit home for at least one, if not more of the girls.

Have a great day.
Amanda