thoughts at the end of day 3

sometimes i just dont know...

sometimes it is clear and sometimes it is fuzzy.

sometimes i think i know what i am doing, so i dive in... full force... and then realize i have gone too deep.

sometimes i wonder if i ended up with so much dislike for a place and time in my life, that i am too afraid i will end up in that place and time again, so instead of facing it, i run from it... i run as far away as i can go. some day i will have to face it though. that day will be ugly.

sometimes my imagination and my dreams can get too high.

sometimes i wish things were different.

the "what ifs" are running around in my mind. dancing and prancing. running circles and singing. so many "what if" questions...

sometimes i plan too much, sometimes i don't plan enough.

sometimes i forget.

sometimes this is harder than i remember, harder than i think it should be, and harder than i think i can handle.

sometimes... most times... more often than not... all the time... i worry more than i should. but i can't help it.

here i am.

Two days ago my car was all packed up, I woke up early to get myself ready, my family had breakfast together and then I left. I left to come to a new city with only my carload of personal belongings and a little bit of money. After a stop at Aunt Karen's house, one turn around because I got on the wrong road, three travel plaza's, and mixed up directions... I am here. My car is not so much a fan of these hills/mountains that we live on, but it made it here. It is always a little hard adjusting to somewhere new, where you don't really know anyone. My roommate had to leave yesterday almost immediately after I got here and she had an overnight shift at work, so I had the house to myself for the entire evening and night. She got back this morning at around 7 and went right to sleep. I unpacked my car right away because I knew that I wouldn't want to do it if I put it off until "later." Then I began sorting through some of my stuff and getting stuff situated. I can't really do a whole lot with my stuff because I don't have anything to put it in or on yet, nor do I have a bed, but those things will come. I am supposed to be hearing back from the job I applied for within the next few days. I am really hoping to get this job. This journey has just begun and even though I am scared out of my mind, a little hesitant and sometimes questioning myself, I know that God has a purpose for me being here. I know that because of his promises to me. I know that because he opened so many doors here and closed so many doors in Michigan. Even though it was my heart's desire to stay in Grand Rapids close to my friends and everything I know, God said no and for once in my life I listened, and I listened carefully. I listened to where I should go, and God's desire for my life is bigger and matters so much more to me than my desire for my life. So here I am. In Pittsburgh. Just me and Maryann and her GPS to get me around if I want to leave the house. It scares me to turn around on our street/ally in the back of our house. It scares me to drive on mountains and in tunnels. It scares me that I stepped out in faith and came here without a promise or offer for a job and that I only have a small supply of money to my name. But no matter how scared I am, God is bigger than that.

So here I am.
I hope that you will continue to follow my journey through this crazy process of me continuing and having to lean on God to get me through each day.

Over the summer I fell in love with the book of Exodus. A strange book to fall in love with, but so amazing to me. I love that it shows the true feelings of the Israelites. They freak out and get mad and complain about what they are going through, then God provides them with something to prove himself to them. They believe for the moment in the power of God, but then they forget so quickly and God has to do something else to show himself to them again. God is so patient with them as they offer their complaints and things they cannot stand about being in the wilderness. One of my favorite parts it this:
Exodus 15:26-- He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you."

That has been really encouraging to me in this crazy time of not knowing what is next.

I will blog again soon.
Much Love,
Amanda