this house is not a home...

wow. it has been three weeks since i was home last and somehow i feel like things are very much changed since then. maybe it is because the furniture in the living room is rearranged to make room for the christmas tree... or because some of the extra stuff from around the house, once again made its way into my room which is now also known as the storage room. maybe because more of my stuff found its way into boxes in the basement. sometimes i feel like this isnt a place to call home anymore. it is my house, but is it my home?

some people say "home is where your heart is." but what if my heart is in multiple places. right now i can think of at least three different places that hold a piece of my heart:

*Grand Rapids/GBC

*Alexandria, Romania

*Newaygo, Michigan

what is so special about those three places to me?

well... to begin with, grace is where i have honestly lived for the past three and a half years. in that time I have been home a handful of times compared to the number of weeks or weekends spent either in my dorm or in my apartment. i love it there. i love my friends there. i love the family i have made there. we are a family. brothers that you love but sometimes just want to punch. sisters that you bond with, but also sometimes want to shake and yell at them and ask them "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" i wouldnt give these last three and a half years for anything. i love it so much. so much of my story and of my dreams and my reality has been brought to life here. how could part of my heart NOT be there.

then there is Alexandria... before i went to Romania the first time, i had a very strange feeling. I was homesick. I was one of those kids who never got homesick. i love to travel and i loved going new places and experiencing new things, embracing the moments as the came... homesick was something i didnt know how to feel and before i had even gone to Romania i was homesick. homesick for a place i had never been. when i got there i realized why. I loved everything about the place itself. i loved the country and the people and the language and the food and church. that was even before i got to Alexandria. when we got there I found out how much i truly love orphans. that trip was the best most heartbreakingly awesome journey i have ever been on. i found a heart and a passion for orphans that i never knew existed inside of me. the girls of alexandria stole my heart. not only did the orphans steal my heart but my team also had a huge impact on my life and the memories we made in alexandria will stay with me forever. i love them so much more than they could ever know.

finally there is Newaygo... earlier this semester when David asked me to help out with a youth group he was going to be working with in Newaygo i was kind of hesitant. i prayed about it and felt like it was something that i would like to do. i wasnt really sure how they were going to need me or what their youth group would even look like. compared to some of the other youth ministries i have been involved in this youth group looks like nothing special. but i have a heart for these kids like none other. i can see that they are hurting and i am so thankful for the kids who have already opened up to me a great deal through this. these kids are so great and they have so much potential. i just wish they could see that too. i love going there and i miss them when i dont get to see them. i am so thankful for this opportunity and i am glad that i get to be there to influence their lives.

in all of these places i feel like i am contriubting to the sense of community in each place. I feel like i am able to do some good in these places. when I am home i just feel like i am either a pest or i feel like i just need to get out of here. i think of the three days grace song Home and i know i shouldnt feel like this, but i feel like the lyrics are right along with how i feel. "i can hardly wait to leave this place" "no matter how hard i try, you're never satisfied, this is not a home i think i'm better off alone."

i can remember ONE time in the past 7 years that i actually feel like i wanted to be home and liked being home and really didn't want to leave. one time. life shouldnt be like that. home holds so many memories. it almost hurts to be here sometimes. this time is hard because i am attempting to do someting that i REALLY dont want to do. i feel like it won't benefit anyone or anything... but i know in the long run it will make my relationship with at least my mom stronger. in all honesty... i am scared. scared out of my mind. i dont want to be home right now. it is Christmas... i dont want to be here. with the exception of seeing my brother, i dont want to be here because right now it hurts. i can hear the lies, trying to block them out... but they are still there. i can't wait to go back to where i belong... wherever that is... it is not here though. i feel so alone here. that's not okay.

this house is not my home.