my heart breaks.

i love the youth group i work with in newaygo. i absolutely love it so, so, soooo very much. each week these kids remind me why i am a youth ministry major. last week was super intense with out high school time after the message. they are really starting to open up and to let us see their hearts and i love it. this past friday i was able to go to band festival and see 8 of my kids perform in their various bands and it was awesome just to be able to be there and support them. their faces lit up when they saw that i was there... and i love that it isn't in my own power or love that i love these kids, it is in the power of Jesus. over the last two weeks i have also been able to become closer with a bunch of the girls from youth group as well. we have been texting and emailing like crazy and they have been able to share with me things through that because i have come to their level of communication. i love that. i am so glad that i have been able to share with these few girls in their struggles and hurts and with what is going on in their hearts. i feel so privileged to share in these things and i am so happy that i am able to be a positive influence in their lives. this week i will be sharing about control at youth group. hopefully i can get something through their heads about control... because for many of them control is a major issue and a huge power struggle in their families and in their lives.

Highlights of my last week from specifically youth group kids:
Kelsi hugged me. not once, not twice, but three times on friday at her band festival. she never gives hugs to people unless they are her close friends. Kelsi and i have also been texting and i have been able to hear some of her heart. and i love it.

Cameron came to church again sunday. i know he didnt want to be there, but the fact is... he was. he was able to be loved and feel welcome and accepted. i know he feels more comfortable now. i can see it. i think it is just a matter of time...

Emily has been texting me like crazy!! Her attitude is starting to soften and her walls are coming down as well.

but my heart continually breaks for the kids in our youth group and in Newaygo County. I am so glad i get to work with them. it is where my heart is.

shake the dust.

this guy is amazing.
watch this then go to youtube and watch his other stuff.
especially "For Those Who Can"

happy valentines day.

So valentine's day...

normally when people say stuff like "God is my Valentine" i think it is pretty lame. But today on the back of my bulletin from church there was a sweet poem. so i would like to share it with you.

God's Valentine
by Paul J. Twist

Of all the valentines ever sent, none is more significant than the love message from God in John 3:16
"For God so loVed the world,
that He gAve
His onLy
BegottEn
SoN,
That whosoever
believeth In Him
should Not perish,
but have Everlasting life."

My dictionary says a valentine is "a note containing a message of sentimental love." But God's valentine is more than emotional sentiment. It expresses tenderness, of course, but it also offers God's solution to man's greatest need, the salvation of his eternal soul. God's message of love was in His heart before creation and, according to Romans 5:8, "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." God's valentine is not for those who think they are good, but for those who admit they are needy sinners.

If you receive God's valentine with a repentant heart of faith, His love will fill your heart and life with great joy and lasting peace. His valentine expresses love that will never end!

I just thought that was really cool. It is cooler if the word VALENTINE from John 3:16 would work right, but my blogger spacing is dumb. but it is still the same sort of effect. I hope that it is God's love you are seeking after and receiving on this valentine's day. God longs for you to be completely in love with him.

happy valentine's day.
<3

we will be the hopeful

As I am doing research for my independent study class I am just seeing more and more brokeness. It hurts my heart to see some of these things. To know that not only are there teenagers and people out there who are struggling with some of the same things that I have in the past, but to know that they feel alone. To know that they think there isn't any other way to deal with their hurt and their pain. To know that I see some of these people every single day... and what am I doing about it? What are you doing about it? Personally I don't think I am doing a very good job at this part. I am not really doing anything to help the people around me who are hurting. I want to take this off of the page... all of my statistics and quotes and take them and put faces to these stats. Not that I want my friends or anyone to be a part of these statistics, but I know that some of them are anyways and I want to be there to help them. I want to know who is dealing with what so I can know what they need. I want to show them it is okay to have pain, but they don't have to deal with it alone. I want to wipe away their tears and replace them with joy. I want to understand their despair and replace it with hope. Something that my friend Joe and I talk about a lot is honesty. What if we were all a little more honest with each other? What if we stopped hiding behind this mask that everything is fine? I think if we did that, we could show people that it is okay to be broken and when we are broken God usually is able to move the most in our lives. God created us to be in community with each other. God created us to share our lives with one another... somewhere in between heartbreak and shame we lost that. We lost our will to be open and honest. Let's break that mold. Honesty brings healing, healing brings hope. Hope that there are thigns greater than us out there. Hope that we can share with people who can't grasp that fact. Hope is real. Healing is real. Community is real. Let's move for something.

We will be the hopeful.

:: cord of three strands ::

Ecclesiastes 4:12b
"A cord of three strands is not quickly broken"

i love to make friendship bracelets.
they remind me of people or places or times in my life that meant something to me.
two of the bracelets i wear every day i have had on for about a year and eight months. almost two years. each day they remind me of Romania and my heart for the orphans and my heart to do ministry there.

today i think i will start three new bracelets with the same colors to represent two of my very best friends and myself. we just struggled through a really difficult situation, but God has given each of us a peace or contentment about this and about our friendship.

although sometimes these bracelets i wear have to withstand rough weather (sleeping, showering, catching on things, little kids playing with them, etc.) they still are strong and they have stayed on. my bracelet made of plastic broke. but the two i have on that are made of string have not broken. they are not quickly broken. this is a great representation of my friendship with these two amazing people. although we have just undergone a major trial for our friendship, a little bit of rough weather, we can stay strong.


we are like a cord of three strands. we are not easily broken.

things will change now

ouch.

broken trust.
broken friendship.
broken heart.
how did you think this wouldnt change things?

i dont even know what to do.
only one possible thing.

cry out with the pieces of my heart in my hands
asking, no, begging God to put it back together.

i should have seen this coming.

surrounded by brokenness

yesterday was a very long exhausting day. it was like one thing after another... and it just kept coming.

to begin with i was broken. i went for a drive for three hours and i could only tell you were i was for the last hour. not because the places i went were sketchy, but because i honestly dont know where i was. i know at one point i was at pinery park, and i think i ended up at the library... i know that for the last hour i became a mall walker at rogers plaza. i couldnt feel and i couldnt think. it was a hard place to be. i was worried about my message for last nights youth group. i was worried about many other things.

at youth group it was an interesting combo of my nervousness and inadequacy and God's faithfulness and providence. i missed a whole page of my notes. i talked about prayer and was ending with salvation and i missed a whole page of notes, so i came in at the end of my salvation message instead of the beginning. i wasnt sure how that was going to work. i told the kids i would be upstairs willing to pray for them. at first, none of them came. but slowly they did. i was able to connect with kids in a new way. i was able to see their brokenness and show a few of them pieces of my brokenness. it was exhausting yet rewarding. i was able to pray with kids who dont even believe in God, but they know i believe in God and the power of prayer so they asked me to pray for them.

when i got home, i talked with a friend about some decisions i have made and need to make over the next few days. i came home to go to bed around 10:30 and found out that another one of my very close friends was having a really rough night. he didnt want to see me, he just wanted to be alone with his depression and brokenness. but i didnt let him and his girlfriend didnt let him. i spent a good hour an a half just sitting in his room, being a presence in his broken state letting him know that he is not alone.

finally i came back to my apartment and my roommate told me some decisions she has made that were very hard for me to hear. it made me very sad, but at the same time excited. she is going on a new adventure that will be amazing for her. but in my own selfishness i want her to stay here. she is the best roommate ever and i love her so much. but i support her decision to do what she is going to do entirely. i understand where she is coming from... even though it hurts.

when i got on facebook today, my mom was online and she started a chat with me. something happened to someone in my family and my mom gets to go spend the whole day in the hospital with this family member. it worries me because this isnt the first time it has happened.

i am surrounded by brokenness. i am broken. i am undone.
God is faithful.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.