over a month, under a decision.

i have been avoiding my blog like the plague. it has been over a month since my last blog
it seems that when i blog my deepest emotions are stirred, worked up, and brought to life. i fear decision making. i fear that i will make the wrong choice. i fear that it wont happen the way it should or that i will set my heart upon it, and it will fall through. i feel like eventually i will say yes to this decision. but trying to decide is the hardest decision i have ever made.

you see, in my heart i have said yes. in my heart i have a million ways to do it.

but in my head, it makes no sense. no logical sense. i begin to worry over the small things. how i will pay, how i will cope, how i will fear, how i will love.

i want to do it, but i don't know if i have the faith for the follow through.
i know i could do it.
i know i could handle it.
i know i would love it.
i know i need it.

but.
im.
scared.

today at church though my pastor was sharing from mark 2 when Jesus is eating with the "sinners". The focus of the sermon was on the fact that Jesus didn't come for those who were righteous, but for those who were sinning. not for the healthy, but for those who need a doctor. that was the main focus of the sermon. but that wasn't the part i needed to hear. the part i needed to hear was in the previous verses. Jesus comes to the place where Levi the tax collector is sitting and Jesus says to him "follow me" and Levi gets up and leaves EVERYTHING he has. EVERYTHING! and follows exactly where Jesus says to go. It is astonishing to me.

i want the faith to do it.
but i don't think i'm there yet. or maybe i passed it. maybe i have been immersed in the christian society so deeply that the education/head knowledge side of me has buried the faith side into a cavern of unbelief.

i want to just get up and follow.

is that even an option?

Carrier l Jared Anderson from Andy Catarisano on Vimeo.

this is inspiring to my journey. i want to the be carrier.
yes.
my heart says yes.
i just need to get my head to match up.