mondays. bah!

snow.

today i was planning on going back to my apartment in grand rapids.
to where a piece of my home is.
but no.

the stupid snow came. it was supposed to be done by the time i was going to leave... but my parents said no.

gah.
mondays seem to suck whether they are during school or not.
i want to leave here.

the other day when i was really frustrated when i was shopping with my mom i was listening to her ipod that i put music on a while ago. i put some of the Bible Experience on it. i wasnt really in the mood to listen to the Bible... i wanted to be angry at her. so i was skipping over all of the Bible things that were coming on random. but then i heard the beginning of one and i stopped to listen.

the words were familiar.
i had heard this one many times before.
this was one of the very first passages of scripture that "spoke" to me.
spoke to my heart.
spoke to my life.

and once again in my time of need it spoke to me again.

Psalm 25
Of David.
1[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

this blog is dedicated to every "MONDAY" we have.
although most mondays arent very fun, God. Is. Faithful.

happy monday.

siblings are the best =]

so in the past few days i have come to the conclusion that siblings are the best.

not always just limited to biological siblings but also my brothers and sisters in Christ.

my biological brother is first of all the best ever. i love him so much. he is so cute. he is six years younger than me. about 1/2 an inch shorter than me. and about five thousand times funnier than me (im not that funny). he can make me laugh so hard at even the littlest things... and we think so much alike that we can pretty much always know what the other is thinking. sometimes when i see him, i still see him as this super cute 4 or 5 year old boy who during the summer would wear a red striped bathing suit, cowboy boots, and a winter jacket and carry around toy guns from the dollar store. but then i have to remember that he isnt that little boy anymore... he is almost 15, totally into hollister, aeropostale, his cell phone, and girls. he is on the basketball team for his high school and his voice is changing. ever since i was "old enough" to wish that he would be older so that we could talk about cooler things and more important things i have been waiting for this time in our lives. a time that i knew was coming and that i was ready for but also was dreading. he has been talking to me about girls for years, but today was the first real conversation that made me think that my little baby brother is gone... we talked about his first kiss. oh my gosh that was strange. he accidentally let it slip that he and his ex girlfriend kissed everyday after school. it totally took me by surprise. he isnt my baby anymore... he is growing up and i dont like it. but anyways... he and i have spent some serious time together this break and he is such a cool kid. it is so cool to see him growing up and to see how much of a nice kid he is. he has jokes like there is no tomorrow. he isnt afraid to hug me in public. and he likes to just be crazy sometimes. but through all of his maturity he is still this crazy, immature little boy who wants to just run around like he is 4 again. tomorrow i think we will honor a tradition of ours... we used to watch the movie "some like it hot" and share mozzerella sticks. i think we will do that tomorrow, just for old times sake. i am so thankful that this little boy came into my life. he and i enjoy each others company, we can both relate with how we feel when we are around family and we can have fun together. i am so thankful he is my brother.

now my other kind of siblings are just as wonderful and i am just as thankful for them. these are the siblings that i have through Christ. these are the friends that i go to in my times of trouble and need and excitement and joy. the other night was a rough night and i was able to see just how much these siblilngs cared for me through their actions. some of my sisters who were worried were texting me and praying. one of my brothers called to make sure i was okay. another of my brothers wouldn't stop texting me, he refused, and yet a few more of my brothers were talking to me online, praying, and fighting my battle with me. these siblings are my best friends. they are willing to do whatever it takes to encourage me and keep me sane. just like my brother can make me laugh these siblings can remind me that in all situations God is good. God is faithful. and God will never leave me. although some of my real family is pretty crazy sometimes i am so glad that God has given me this whole other family in the body of Christ who will love me no matter what, no questions asked.

so to all of my brothers and sisters. i love you all so much. thank you for being there through the thick and the thin. you mean so much to me and God is going to bless you so much for the wonderful things you are doing for Him and for His Kingdom. siblings are the best. =]

this house is not a home...

wow. it has been three weeks since i was home last and somehow i feel like things are very much changed since then. maybe it is because the furniture in the living room is rearranged to make room for the christmas tree... or because some of the extra stuff from around the house, once again made its way into my room which is now also known as the storage room. maybe because more of my stuff found its way into boxes in the basement. sometimes i feel like this isnt a place to call home anymore. it is my house, but is it my home?

some people say "home is where your heart is." but what if my heart is in multiple places. right now i can think of at least three different places that hold a piece of my heart:

*Grand Rapids/GBC

*Alexandria, Romania

*Newaygo, Michigan

what is so special about those three places to me?

well... to begin with, grace is where i have honestly lived for the past three and a half years. in that time I have been home a handful of times compared to the number of weeks or weekends spent either in my dorm or in my apartment. i love it there. i love my friends there. i love the family i have made there. we are a family. brothers that you love but sometimes just want to punch. sisters that you bond with, but also sometimes want to shake and yell at them and ask them "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" i wouldnt give these last three and a half years for anything. i love it so much. so much of my story and of my dreams and my reality has been brought to life here. how could part of my heart NOT be there.

then there is Alexandria... before i went to Romania the first time, i had a very strange feeling. I was homesick. I was one of those kids who never got homesick. i love to travel and i loved going new places and experiencing new things, embracing the moments as the came... homesick was something i didnt know how to feel and before i had even gone to Romania i was homesick. homesick for a place i had never been. when i got there i realized why. I loved everything about the place itself. i loved the country and the people and the language and the food and church. that was even before i got to Alexandria. when we got there I found out how much i truly love orphans. that trip was the best most heartbreakingly awesome journey i have ever been on. i found a heart and a passion for orphans that i never knew existed inside of me. the girls of alexandria stole my heart. not only did the orphans steal my heart but my team also had a huge impact on my life and the memories we made in alexandria will stay with me forever. i love them so much more than they could ever know.

finally there is Newaygo... earlier this semester when David asked me to help out with a youth group he was going to be working with in Newaygo i was kind of hesitant. i prayed about it and felt like it was something that i would like to do. i wasnt really sure how they were going to need me or what their youth group would even look like. compared to some of the other youth ministries i have been involved in this youth group looks like nothing special. but i have a heart for these kids like none other. i can see that they are hurting and i am so thankful for the kids who have already opened up to me a great deal through this. these kids are so great and they have so much potential. i just wish they could see that too. i love going there and i miss them when i dont get to see them. i am so thankful for this opportunity and i am glad that i get to be there to influence their lives.

in all of these places i feel like i am contriubting to the sense of community in each place. I feel like i am able to do some good in these places. when I am home i just feel like i am either a pest or i feel like i just need to get out of here. i think of the three days grace song Home and i know i shouldnt feel like this, but i feel like the lyrics are right along with how i feel. "i can hardly wait to leave this place" "no matter how hard i try, you're never satisfied, this is not a home i think i'm better off alone."

i can remember ONE time in the past 7 years that i actually feel like i wanted to be home and liked being home and really didn't want to leave. one time. life shouldnt be like that. home holds so many memories. it almost hurts to be here sometimes. this time is hard because i am attempting to do someting that i REALLY dont want to do. i feel like it won't benefit anyone or anything... but i know in the long run it will make my relationship with at least my mom stronger. in all honesty... i am scared. scared out of my mind. i dont want to be home right now. it is Christmas... i dont want to be here. with the exception of seeing my brother, i dont want to be here because right now it hurts. i can hear the lies, trying to block them out... but they are still there. i can't wait to go back to where i belong... wherever that is... it is not here though. i feel so alone here. that's not okay.

this house is not my home.

motivation

it just so happens that i have some of the very best friends ever.

Friday night was the best night I have had in a VERRRRRY long time.

looking forward to friday was what got me through last week and what will get my through this week coming up.

Friday was the Emery, August Burns Red, and Underoath concert.

Underoath is basically my favorite band ever. They were fabulous and I loved it so much. I had sooooooo much fun. The mosh pit was fun, even though i came out bruised I had the best time of my life. I felt like i was being me.

I was celebrating on friday 6 months of self restraint.

6 months seems like so long, yet it has flown by.

What better way to celebrate the story God has given me to share, than by going to a concert of my favorite band with my best friends.

Renee from To Write Love On Her Arms has a book called Purpose for the Pain.

In it are journals from the healing process for her. She talks about going to concerts and having people love her. At this concert I felt like Renee in a sense.

I was with two of my very, very best friends (Joe and Joey).

Some girls who inspire me (Elizabeth and Kimmy).

Some guys who I am getting to know better who both have awesome stories (David and Marc).

And Joe's siblings who are fun to be around (Jonathan and Jonas).

I could not have had more fun. I felt so loved and so happy to be able to celebrate this milestone with these friends of mine. Topping it off with Emery and Underoath was just almost too much. I was beaming as underoath starting singing some of the songs that have gotten me through the hardest time.

I am so glad I got to go. That concert is going to get me through the semester.

I love underoath.

I love my friends.

I love God.

I love the way this healing process is going.

I still hate school though...

But with all of the other things, I can make it through school alive.

that time of year again

senior year. again.

this should be "the best time of my life." according to who? the world? they lied.
this year i have felt my grip on myself slipping away. it is like i almost don't know who i am anymore... yet maybe it is just because i have found and defined a different part of myself.

i am tired.

this semester has been the hardest. the longest. the busiest. the scariest. the most annoying semester ever. i don't even know how i have made it this far without breaking.

as i sit here, once again avoiding things i know must be done i am thinking back on the past four years. thinking of how much i have changed. thinking of how i have changed since i was a senior in high school, even as a freshman, sophomore, and junior in college. i still feel incredibly young, yet at the same time so grown up that it scares me.

i want nothing more than to invest.
invest in people.
invest in lives.
invest in stories.
invest in things that interest me.

but i cant.

something.

keeps.


holding.



me.



back.


it is my committment to the educational system of america.
it is my committment to my parents, promising them i would graduate from college.
it is my committment to doing the right thing.
it is my committment to letting the town of Peck, Mi know that not everyone that comes out of there throws their life away. and that a mediocre education can get you wherever your dreams take you.
it is my committment to the graduating class of 2006 from Peck High School. a committment that proves that not everyone in our class was destinted to stay put, become alcoholics and parents before the age of 20.
it is my committment to myself.
it is my committment to God. this is the education i need to do what He wants me to do with my life, no matter how stubborn about this i am.

im sick of homework. im sick of the routine.

i just want to wake up and not have to worry about if i got a paper done just so that i can get out of this place. without that grade i don't get the piece of paper in May telling the world i have made something of myself. as if that were enough.

i just want to wake up and not worry about if i am going to be dropped from a class if i am tardy one more time because i didn't hear my alarm clock. (i know in the real world if i do this with a job i will get fired, spare me. that internal argument already happened)

there are so many other things that are good though. things that without the binds of my committments. without the binds of the institution of "school" these things would be more amazing. these are my blessings among all of this darkness and dreariness of school.

-my relationship with my roommate. i love her and she is wonderful. we can understand each other and have fun on a level that is beyond so much. she puts up with my flaws so well and i love her and appreciate her so much. she is amazing.

-my friendships that continue to grow and develop as this year progresses. i have let my story affect many people this year and in turn have been blessed to hear many more stories of hope and healing.

-my ministry. i have a passion for the kids in our youth group that goes so much deeper than any of them can see. although i have only met with them 2 times i already love them so much and can see their areas of need. i cannot wait to see what God has in store for these kids.

-community. these people keep me sane and the friendships i have developed through community mean more to me than words can say. they join me on my roller coaster instead of just watching from the sidelines.

i am trying my best to count my blessings today. the haze of the day to day seems to be beginning to lift, but will it be enough?

i know i will outgrow this time. things will relax in January after the semester changes. i just have to make it through this semester. take it day by day. week by week.

my God is a Rock and not a pebble or a stone for a specific reason. He will not bend or break to my small issues. He will help me carry them and make sure their foundation is firm.

hard day.

today is a hard day for me. today is the day i would be leaving to go to Romania again. today one of my friends from my team last year has left (about 4 hours ago) to go back. One of the other girls from my team is already there. That makes me so sad. We all said that we would go back together, when the time came last fall for me to make the decision if i could come up with the money or not I asked the other three girls if they were going. They all said no. So I didn't start fundraising. As the winter turned into spring, Charlene decided she was going to go, and Chantelle too (then Chantelle changed her mind again), but Kayla was still a no. At that point I was torn and had already told H2H that I was not going. I was sad, but at the same time I was okay with my decision. Then when I was in Texas, I found out that Kayla had decided to go back, Charlene was going for sure. Kayla was going for sure. And Chantelle said that if I was in, she was in. It would have been the perfect summer. The four of us back together again in the place that all of our hearts long to be the most. But with only a couple of weeks left before the actual date to leave, and me $3700 short, with no job and barely enough money for rent in the bank, I had to regretfully say I couldn't go. That hurt my heart so much, to know that the girls would all be together without me was so sad... and to know that they all got to see our girls again and some more orphans again was heartbreaking for me. Chantelle then decided that she wasn't going to go, so it was only Kayla and Charlene. Charlene left a few weeks ago to stay with some family before working with H2H and Kayla left today (like I said). I know there is a reason that I am supposed to stay here for the summer, I mean even TODAY I am going to speak at a bible study for my ministry. I am trying really really hard not to let the fact that I am bummed about Romania get in the way of what I am going to say tonight. I know that God has a plan and a purpose and a reason for keeping me here this summer. I might not like it right now, but I will see that in the long run it will be worth it.

It is just a hard day because I really want to see my girls in Romania. Yes, that is very selfish of me. But my heart BREAKS for them every day. My heart LONGS to be there with them and love them like they need to be loved. I have so much love to give and I know that even all my love isn't enough for them, which is why I love them with God's love. I was privleged enough to have a loving family who takes care of me and provides for me. There are some girls there in the orphanage who HAVE families, but life at the orphanage is so much better for them that they decide against living with their families. They have run away from their home to the orphanage because it is a better life. That saddens my heart.

I know that I will get through today. It is hard, but life goes on. I know that I am called to this other ministry right now. So with much humility, I am not following my own heart, I am following God's. He knows what he is doing, and I am pretty sure I would screw it up, so like the high school teenage brat that I was, I put up a little fight as my instinct, but eventually gave in, surrendering and embracing God's calling and plan for my life in this season.

I have to go finish up my notes for tonight now. As sad as I am about Romania, I am just as excited to be speaking tonight to a girls Bible study group. Hopefully I can say some things that will hit home for at least one, if not more of the girls.

Have a great day.
Amanda

For Kylie <3

How precious is a life? How many lives can we touch while we are here?

This weekend has been for me a weekend of sorrow, grief, and mourning, but at the same time has been a weekend of celebration and rejoicing. An 11 year old girl I used to babysit for died last Wednesday. She was one of the most beautiful and precious children I have ever seen. Her smile could light a room and her laugh could make you smile, even on your worst day. Kylie Renee Bullis was her name. She loved swimming and swinging. She couldn’t enjoy the same things as most kids because Kylie was severely autistic. She couldn’t hear the sounds of this world and she couldn’t tell us what she was feeling. Kylie has had seizures since she was a little baby, on her bad days she had multiple seizures in the same day. But she was a strong girl. She always came through stronger than before, with a smile on her face giving her family and friends reassurance that things would be okay. Kylie was a fighter and a winner. When I started babysitting her she was only about 4 or 5 years old and I immediately knew that she could fight longer, harder, and stronger than any person I knew. Kylie won so many battles against everything the doctors said was wrong with her. Last Wednesday Kylie’s fighting was over, but she still won this final battle. Now Kylie is free. She is free from this body that has failed her. Because Kylie couldn’t talk and couldn’t hear I can only believe that God was with her the whole time. He could speak truth into her life through the love people showed her, without her having to hear the lies of this world. God could show her the beauty of life beyond what meets our eyes because Ky used her other senses to see things for what they really were. If she needed another way to know what something was, she would put it in her mouth or stare at it within centimeters of her eyes for hours. She could see things on the walls or on the floor that most people would see only as garbage or filth. That was Kylie’s world though. One of my favorite things to do with her was to pick her up and spin around in circles. Even though I knew she couldn’t hear me I would count to three and on three I would begin to spin. She would cling to me so hard, but she knew I wouldn’t let go. As I would spin, she would smile and giggle with her head buried in my shoulder or my neck, and she would never get tired of it. If I put her down she would just stick her arms up at me again. If I picked her up and just stood there she would rock three times, like her body was counting to three to get me to spin her. As a teenage babysitter, it is easy to get frustrated with kids who are old enough to be your siblings when they do something wrong. I could never get frustrated with Kylie though. If I started to, I would look at her and she would look back at me with her big blue eyes and I would just be reminded that when things aren’t perfect it is okay, because there are things that don’t matter… things like if a game gets pulled off the shelf and spilled all over the floor or if a cup of water gets dropped on the floor. Kylie was so in tune with that fact that life isn’t perfect, but if we live each second to its fullest and live moment to moment we won’t miss out on the things that do matter. Today I am not mourning her death. Yes, I am sad, but I am not mourning. I am in fact celebrating her freedom. She does not have to hurt any more. She does not have to go through one more seizure. She does not have to be trapped in her head without hearing or speech. Today she is singing with the angels in heaven. Today she gets to skip and jump rope and ride bikes in heaven. Today the life of a precious 11 year old seems like it was too short, but her life truly has just begun. Her funeral was today, Father’s Day. What better day for her earthly father to say goodbye to his baby girl, and give her back to her Heavenly Father. I did not say goodbye to Kylie today, but rather see you later because it was not goodbye for me. I know I will see this precious baby girl in heaven. I love you Kylie Renee, my first “little sister.”

So, today my friends, I ask you—how precious is a life? Whether you know it or not, your life is influencing someone else’s life. You have the choice of how you will influence them. You make the decision on what they will see when they see you? I know for me, I needed to be reminded of that. People shouldn’t see Amanda or (insert your name here) when they see me (you). They should see Jesus. If you needed that reminder too, don’t let it stop at just a reminder… do something to change. Do something to reflect Christ. Figure out how to get back on track. Ask for help if you need it, reach out your hand… someone will be there to grab it and help you up. Go…Be… Move.

Be Blessed
Amanda