vacation highlights-- it's long...

wow has it really been like three weeks since i posted?? i started this while i was still in california, but i didn't finish it for some reason. so let me catch you up a little bit.

three sundays ago we went to church with Chrissy's family and then we went to lunch at her pastor's house. it was a very beautiful house with a speaker on the outside, delicious lunch, and a fun time of fellowship. then we went back to Chrissy's house for like an hour, got all packed up, said goodbye to her family, and went to the house of two of our other friends, Josh and Maggie. Josh and Maggie have a ton of siblings from other countries. their house and family is an awesome picture of diversity and equality and love. it was awesome to experience such a family. After hanging out with their family for the night, we got up and went to the airport on Monday to leave for California!!

We (Joe, Chrissy, Moses, and I) all flew out of Spokane and into Seattle where we had a layover for about three hours. We left Seattle and flew into LA. in LA we had to wait for about 2 hours in the baggage claim area to get Moses and Chrissy's checked luggage and Moses's guitar. Julissa was there to pick us up and we were so excited to see her. it has been a long time since we saw her and we got to meet her boyfriend Landon!! that night we (Joe, Chrissy, Julissa, Landon, and I) stayed at Julissa's granparent's house in Anaheim so that we could get up and go back to LA in the morning.

we went to Los Angeles on Tuesday after a wonderful breakfast prepared by Julissa's grandma. we got to walk down Hollywood Blvd and do the walk of stars. we also got to go to Grauman's Chinese Theater where there are the footprints and handprints of many celebrities. i was so excited to go there. when we saw the Chinese Theater though, we were across the street and the first thing that caught our eye were three guys. these three guys had signs and were screaming at the people walking down the sidewalk. these guys were yelling at everyone saying we are all going to hell, and we need to repent now!!! Joe was getting frustrated pretty much the instant we saw them. So we went across the street, getting stopped for a picture that scammed $10 out of Chrissy. When we got across the street we could hear these men more clearly and they were just angry and full of hate. When Landon came to join us, he decided that he was going to go speak to them. After a few minutes Joe went with him. If you have never been to that part of Hollywood Blvd. something you need to know is that there are people dressed as celebrities everywhere you go, trying to scam you out of money to get a picture with them... (This is how Chrissy got scammed out of $10... so we could get a picture with Dorothy and Catwoman) anyways... one of the men began yelling at a woman dressed as Marilyn Monroe. He was calling her names and pinning all of these "sins" on her because of the way she was dressed and who she was dressed like. He was not treating her in love, but judging her. Eventually Joe and Landon decided that they were just going to agree to disagree on the way to share the gospel and we walked away. We went down the road a little bit more, then crossed the street and turned around to go back on the opposite side of the street. Once we passed the Chinese Theater we wanted to go back to that side of the street to see the stars on that side... while we were walking Landon was talking about how he wanted to find "Marilyn Monroe" and apologize to her for what the man had said to her. When we got to the point where we were going to cross back to the same side as the theater, as we were waiting to cross the street I saw "Marilyn Monroe" directly where we were going. As soon as we got to that side of the street we all went up to her and began talking to her. Her name was Melissa and she claimed to be a Christian, but she had a TON of spiritual warfare going on in her life, we could just sense it and feel it. I know that my own heart was breaking for this woman... She was broken. She has known pain. Looking in her eyes hurt... I think of Emery lyrics "People want the truth, but never want the scars." We were able to pray with this woman right there on Hollywood Boulevard. We were a light in that dark place. As you walk down that street, it is so full of so many other idols and things that are put before God... sex, drugs, fame, people, shopping, coffee. It was a little reality check, making me thankful that I am able to go to a school where Christ is the center and be able to be encouraged by other believers almost 24 hours a day.

After that spiritually tiring experience on Hollywood Blvd, we went to Santa Monica beach, where there is like a gym for adults, complete with gymnastics rings like swingsets, climbing ropes, chin-up bars, a triangle of grass for yoga, a path for, walkers, runners, rollerbladers, and bikers. Beyond that, it opens up to a beautiful beach where we watched the sunset. I am going to write about the sunset and the ocean in my next post. So i won't get too carried away now, i will just say it is beautiful. After the sunset we drove back to Julissa's house in Temecula.

Wednesday we just hung out at Julissa's house for a while, enjoying the sun and the mountains playing with her crazy dog Louie. A little later in the afternoon we went into Temecula and got to be tourists in her little town. We rented some movies and that night Moses came over and we watched the movies and just hung out.

Thursday was another fun and busy day. We went back to the Anaheim area where we spent some time at Chrissy's grandpa's house. Then we decided we were going to go out to dinner with Moses that night so while we waited to meet up with him we went and saw the Crystal Cathedral. This is the church that my mom watches on TV and it is actually like a legit church, not just some televangelist that just wants people's money. Their grounds are beautiful and their buildings are very intricate and beautiful as well. That was something cool for me to do. After that we went to Downtown Disney and just walked around for a while. Eventually we met up with Moses and went to this delicious Korean BBQ Buffet, where you go up to the buffet and get raw meat and come back to your table where there is a grill in the middle and then you cook it all yourself. Once we were all absolutely stuffed we went to Moses' house where we met some of his family and ate a little more delicious asain food. Before it got too late we left and went back to Julissa's house.

Friday again was fun and packed. We went to Coronado Beach all day. We were there from about 11:30 a.m. until sunset, so we got a good amount of sunshine and I think Joe, Chrissy, and I all ended the day with at least a little bit of a sunburn. It was a great day of just hanging out on the beach with friends... it reminded me of the summer going to the beach a lot with Melissa and Deanna. The waves that we saw were just beautiful, especially in the sunset. After sunset, we left and went to eat at an In and Out (a gift from God... sooo yummy). Then we were able to go see my cousin Dana who I visted on my last trip to California last spring. It was good to see her. Finally after that long day, we made it back to Julissa's.

Saturday was another fun day, not quite as busy, but definitely tons of fun. We were able to serve this single mom and her two daughters by painting some rooms in her house. We were able to paint her dining room, the hallway, and a great room that is a little smaller than the size of my apartment. She was telling us that they have lived in this house for 9 years and for the last 6 years she has painted a little bit of thier house at a time, but still without much progress. So being able to do this for her was such a blessing for her and for us. She repayed us in delicious pizza, so it was a fabulous trade i think. Later that day we went to a community pool and hot tub in the little subdivision area that Julissa babysits in. First of all the water was weird because they use salt water. Second, the pool was SOOO cold it made like every joint in your body stop and it made my skin want to turn inside out to get warm. But we had fun going in the hot tub, then jumping into the pool. When we left to pool we went and got some ice cream and rented another movie.

Sunday was more of a super chill day. We went to church in the morning, and when we got back from church we began preparing for a big lunch that we were going to have. The grill was out of gas and Julissa's dad wasn't home, so Joe and I got to go on an adventure. We got to drive to Martin's General Store in the foothills of these mountains in rural Temecula. It was quite an interesting experience. First we got lost, so we had to turn around. Then when we got there it is this dinky little country market with a horse and a billy goat in the front yard. Joe finally saw his billy goat. Then the gas thing wasnt working, then it did finally. Then we were a dollar short and the lady working just told us to bring it back after our lunch. So we went back to the house and finished making lunch, ate lunch, then Joe, Chrissy, and I went back to take the lady the dollar we owed her. That night we went to the college ministry at Rancho Community Church, where I got to hear Julianna sing again!! Oh how I have missed her. There was an amazing message and it gave me a lot that I needed to think about. When we were done there, we went to Julianna and Tyson's house for a little birthday celebration for Tyson. Then we went back to Julissa's house where Joe, Chrissy, and I stayed up laughing longer than we should have, but it was super fun.

Monday morning we got up early and Julissa and Landon drove us to LAX so that we could catch our flight to Houston. On that flight, we had an international plane so we had an in flight movie and lunch and everything. I ended up watching a movie the whole time pretty much while Chrissy and Joe slept. The Houston airport was interesting... first we had to find our gate... B84-3. This is the gate that they don't care about in Houston. The people down in this gate can joke around a little bit and have some fun because all the people that are flying down there are going to little baby airports that nobody really cares about... Anyways after a slight delay because of flight attendant issues, we finally made it back to Grand Rapids and finally back to Grace at about midnight.

Now for the last week I have just been relaxing and hanging out watching movies in my apartment. I feel like this vacation was so much fun and so needed. I am excited to see what God has in store for me this semester. =]

mountains are glorious.

welcome to 2010!!

december 31 was a long day.
mostly because it was two days... filled with hanging out with awesome people riding in cars, planes, and sitting in airports.
but after all of that i have made it safely to post falls, idaho.

here are some things i learned on my last day of 2009:
- if you go to McDonalds at 4:15 a.m. and order a mocha it will take them like 15 minutes to make it.
- sitting at the waiting area at the gate of an airport is much better than sitting on an airplane and having to wait for an hour on the plane.
- detroit metro airport has the best smelling bathrooms... there is enough extra air freshener in there that it doesnt really smell like a bathroom... at least at 6:30 in the morning.
- de-icing a plane smells really bad and takes too long when you have been on the plane for an hour already
- the second row from the bathroom on a plane is disgusting... the only thing worse would be the first row from the bathroom
- Minneapolis/St. Paul airport CRAWLED out of the '60s and is an epic failure at Subway.
- when you have been awake for two days it is easy to fall asleep on a plane, no matter how cramped you are.
- mountains are always gorgeous.
- spending time with friends in other states is always a fun time for me, no matter what we are doing.
- i love idaho.


this time of refreshing and vacationing is a great way to start off the year. i am spending this time with some of my VERY BEST FRIENDS. i couldn't think of a better way to be spending this time of celebrating the new year. i am so stoked to be here in idaho with Chrissy, spending time with her family and with joe and now moses too. it was awesome today to share in the marriage of a friend. i am loving idaho, it has been nice to see it with Chrissy and share in some of her experiences and where she comes from. we went to her favorite spot the other day and i think that is one of the coolest things ever, that she was willing to share that spot with us. it was so beautiful. surrounded by mountains and just so peaceful and serene. i seem to connect so much more with God when i see God's creation they way i see it when i am around mountains and nature like this. every time i see a mountain the only thing i can hear in my head is lyrics that go like this "Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save."

Think about this-- i can't even wrap my mind around it! if God wanted to he could MOVE these GIANT MOUNTAINS in an instant!!!!!! that makes me think of the mountains we make and create in our hearts and in our own lives... the walls that we build up so high that we try to keep God out. I know that for me i want to start this year off by climbing on top of my mountains, reclaiming my life. reclaiming my identity in Christ. i am not who i was... let this new year be a renewing of your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus as it says in Romans 12. Be transformed. enter this year with thanksgiving and rejoicing and love in your lives.

praise God for friends, mountains, and life.
i hope today finds you well and realizing that you are amazing and that you have an amazing story to tell and an amazing creator who loves you so much.

i leave you with a quote from a blog that i follow from a guy named Eric
"this is the year that stories happen; the year that apathy dies and action begins"

let your story impact someone this year.

mondays. bah!

snow.

today i was planning on going back to my apartment in grand rapids.
to where a piece of my home is.
but no.

the stupid snow came. it was supposed to be done by the time i was going to leave... but my parents said no.

gah.
mondays seem to suck whether they are during school or not.
i want to leave here.

the other day when i was really frustrated when i was shopping with my mom i was listening to her ipod that i put music on a while ago. i put some of the Bible Experience on it. i wasnt really in the mood to listen to the Bible... i wanted to be angry at her. so i was skipping over all of the Bible things that were coming on random. but then i heard the beginning of one and i stopped to listen.

the words were familiar.
i had heard this one many times before.
this was one of the very first passages of scripture that "spoke" to me.
spoke to my heart.
spoke to my life.

and once again in my time of need it spoke to me again.

Psalm 25
Of David.
1[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

this blog is dedicated to every "MONDAY" we have.
although most mondays arent very fun, God. Is. Faithful.

happy monday.

siblings are the best =]

so in the past few days i have come to the conclusion that siblings are the best.

not always just limited to biological siblings but also my brothers and sisters in Christ.

my biological brother is first of all the best ever. i love him so much. he is so cute. he is six years younger than me. about 1/2 an inch shorter than me. and about five thousand times funnier than me (im not that funny). he can make me laugh so hard at even the littlest things... and we think so much alike that we can pretty much always know what the other is thinking. sometimes when i see him, i still see him as this super cute 4 or 5 year old boy who during the summer would wear a red striped bathing suit, cowboy boots, and a winter jacket and carry around toy guns from the dollar store. but then i have to remember that he isnt that little boy anymore... he is almost 15, totally into hollister, aeropostale, his cell phone, and girls. he is on the basketball team for his high school and his voice is changing. ever since i was "old enough" to wish that he would be older so that we could talk about cooler things and more important things i have been waiting for this time in our lives. a time that i knew was coming and that i was ready for but also was dreading. he has been talking to me about girls for years, but today was the first real conversation that made me think that my little baby brother is gone... we talked about his first kiss. oh my gosh that was strange. he accidentally let it slip that he and his ex girlfriend kissed everyday after school. it totally took me by surprise. he isnt my baby anymore... he is growing up and i dont like it. but anyways... he and i have spent some serious time together this break and he is such a cool kid. it is so cool to see him growing up and to see how much of a nice kid he is. he has jokes like there is no tomorrow. he isnt afraid to hug me in public. and he likes to just be crazy sometimes. but through all of his maturity he is still this crazy, immature little boy who wants to just run around like he is 4 again. tomorrow i think we will honor a tradition of ours... we used to watch the movie "some like it hot" and share mozzerella sticks. i think we will do that tomorrow, just for old times sake. i am so thankful that this little boy came into my life. he and i enjoy each others company, we can both relate with how we feel when we are around family and we can have fun together. i am so thankful he is my brother.

now my other kind of siblings are just as wonderful and i am just as thankful for them. these are the siblings that i have through Christ. these are the friends that i go to in my times of trouble and need and excitement and joy. the other night was a rough night and i was able to see just how much these siblilngs cared for me through their actions. some of my sisters who were worried were texting me and praying. one of my brothers called to make sure i was okay. another of my brothers wouldn't stop texting me, he refused, and yet a few more of my brothers were talking to me online, praying, and fighting my battle with me. these siblings are my best friends. they are willing to do whatever it takes to encourage me and keep me sane. just like my brother can make me laugh these siblings can remind me that in all situations God is good. God is faithful. and God will never leave me. although some of my real family is pretty crazy sometimes i am so glad that God has given me this whole other family in the body of Christ who will love me no matter what, no questions asked.

so to all of my brothers and sisters. i love you all so much. thank you for being there through the thick and the thin. you mean so much to me and God is going to bless you so much for the wonderful things you are doing for Him and for His Kingdom. siblings are the best. =]

this house is not a home...

wow. it has been three weeks since i was home last and somehow i feel like things are very much changed since then. maybe it is because the furniture in the living room is rearranged to make room for the christmas tree... or because some of the extra stuff from around the house, once again made its way into my room which is now also known as the storage room. maybe because more of my stuff found its way into boxes in the basement. sometimes i feel like this isnt a place to call home anymore. it is my house, but is it my home?

some people say "home is where your heart is." but what if my heart is in multiple places. right now i can think of at least three different places that hold a piece of my heart:

*Grand Rapids/GBC

*Alexandria, Romania

*Newaygo, Michigan

what is so special about those three places to me?

well... to begin with, grace is where i have honestly lived for the past three and a half years. in that time I have been home a handful of times compared to the number of weeks or weekends spent either in my dorm or in my apartment. i love it there. i love my friends there. i love the family i have made there. we are a family. brothers that you love but sometimes just want to punch. sisters that you bond with, but also sometimes want to shake and yell at them and ask them "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" i wouldnt give these last three and a half years for anything. i love it so much. so much of my story and of my dreams and my reality has been brought to life here. how could part of my heart NOT be there.

then there is Alexandria... before i went to Romania the first time, i had a very strange feeling. I was homesick. I was one of those kids who never got homesick. i love to travel and i loved going new places and experiencing new things, embracing the moments as the came... homesick was something i didnt know how to feel and before i had even gone to Romania i was homesick. homesick for a place i had never been. when i got there i realized why. I loved everything about the place itself. i loved the country and the people and the language and the food and church. that was even before i got to Alexandria. when we got there I found out how much i truly love orphans. that trip was the best most heartbreakingly awesome journey i have ever been on. i found a heart and a passion for orphans that i never knew existed inside of me. the girls of alexandria stole my heart. not only did the orphans steal my heart but my team also had a huge impact on my life and the memories we made in alexandria will stay with me forever. i love them so much more than they could ever know.

finally there is Newaygo... earlier this semester when David asked me to help out with a youth group he was going to be working with in Newaygo i was kind of hesitant. i prayed about it and felt like it was something that i would like to do. i wasnt really sure how they were going to need me or what their youth group would even look like. compared to some of the other youth ministries i have been involved in this youth group looks like nothing special. but i have a heart for these kids like none other. i can see that they are hurting and i am so thankful for the kids who have already opened up to me a great deal through this. these kids are so great and they have so much potential. i just wish they could see that too. i love going there and i miss them when i dont get to see them. i am so thankful for this opportunity and i am glad that i get to be there to influence their lives.

in all of these places i feel like i am contriubting to the sense of community in each place. I feel like i am able to do some good in these places. when I am home i just feel like i am either a pest or i feel like i just need to get out of here. i think of the three days grace song Home and i know i shouldnt feel like this, but i feel like the lyrics are right along with how i feel. "i can hardly wait to leave this place" "no matter how hard i try, you're never satisfied, this is not a home i think i'm better off alone."

i can remember ONE time in the past 7 years that i actually feel like i wanted to be home and liked being home and really didn't want to leave. one time. life shouldnt be like that. home holds so many memories. it almost hurts to be here sometimes. this time is hard because i am attempting to do someting that i REALLY dont want to do. i feel like it won't benefit anyone or anything... but i know in the long run it will make my relationship with at least my mom stronger. in all honesty... i am scared. scared out of my mind. i dont want to be home right now. it is Christmas... i dont want to be here. with the exception of seeing my brother, i dont want to be here because right now it hurts. i can hear the lies, trying to block them out... but they are still there. i can't wait to go back to where i belong... wherever that is... it is not here though. i feel so alone here. that's not okay.

this house is not my home.

motivation

it just so happens that i have some of the very best friends ever.

Friday night was the best night I have had in a VERRRRRY long time.

looking forward to friday was what got me through last week and what will get my through this week coming up.

Friday was the Emery, August Burns Red, and Underoath concert.

Underoath is basically my favorite band ever. They were fabulous and I loved it so much. I had sooooooo much fun. The mosh pit was fun, even though i came out bruised I had the best time of my life. I felt like i was being me.

I was celebrating on friday 6 months of self restraint.

6 months seems like so long, yet it has flown by.

What better way to celebrate the story God has given me to share, than by going to a concert of my favorite band with my best friends.

Renee from To Write Love On Her Arms has a book called Purpose for the Pain.

In it are journals from the healing process for her. She talks about going to concerts and having people love her. At this concert I felt like Renee in a sense.

I was with two of my very, very best friends (Joe and Joey).

Some girls who inspire me (Elizabeth and Kimmy).

Some guys who I am getting to know better who both have awesome stories (David and Marc).

And Joe's siblings who are fun to be around (Jonathan and Jonas).

I could not have had more fun. I felt so loved and so happy to be able to celebrate this milestone with these friends of mine. Topping it off with Emery and Underoath was just almost too much. I was beaming as underoath starting singing some of the songs that have gotten me through the hardest time.

I am so glad I got to go. That concert is going to get me through the semester.

I love underoath.

I love my friends.

I love God.

I love the way this healing process is going.

I still hate school though...

But with all of the other things, I can make it through school alive.

that time of year again

senior year. again.

this should be "the best time of my life." according to who? the world? they lied.
this year i have felt my grip on myself slipping away. it is like i almost don't know who i am anymore... yet maybe it is just because i have found and defined a different part of myself.

i am tired.

this semester has been the hardest. the longest. the busiest. the scariest. the most annoying semester ever. i don't even know how i have made it this far without breaking.

as i sit here, once again avoiding things i know must be done i am thinking back on the past four years. thinking of how much i have changed. thinking of how i have changed since i was a senior in high school, even as a freshman, sophomore, and junior in college. i still feel incredibly young, yet at the same time so grown up that it scares me.

i want nothing more than to invest.
invest in people.
invest in lives.
invest in stories.
invest in things that interest me.

but i cant.

something.

keeps.


holding.



me.



back.


it is my committment to the educational system of america.
it is my committment to my parents, promising them i would graduate from college.
it is my committment to doing the right thing.
it is my committment to letting the town of Peck, Mi know that not everyone that comes out of there throws their life away. and that a mediocre education can get you wherever your dreams take you.
it is my committment to the graduating class of 2006 from Peck High School. a committment that proves that not everyone in our class was destinted to stay put, become alcoholics and parents before the age of 20.
it is my committment to myself.
it is my committment to God. this is the education i need to do what He wants me to do with my life, no matter how stubborn about this i am.

im sick of homework. im sick of the routine.

i just want to wake up and not have to worry about if i got a paper done just so that i can get out of this place. without that grade i don't get the piece of paper in May telling the world i have made something of myself. as if that were enough.

i just want to wake up and not worry about if i am going to be dropped from a class if i am tardy one more time because i didn't hear my alarm clock. (i know in the real world if i do this with a job i will get fired, spare me. that internal argument already happened)

there are so many other things that are good though. things that without the binds of my committments. without the binds of the institution of "school" these things would be more amazing. these are my blessings among all of this darkness and dreariness of school.

-my relationship with my roommate. i love her and she is wonderful. we can understand each other and have fun on a level that is beyond so much. she puts up with my flaws so well and i love her and appreciate her so much. she is amazing.

-my friendships that continue to grow and develop as this year progresses. i have let my story affect many people this year and in turn have been blessed to hear many more stories of hope and healing.

-my ministry. i have a passion for the kids in our youth group that goes so much deeper than any of them can see. although i have only met with them 2 times i already love them so much and can see their areas of need. i cannot wait to see what God has in store for these kids.

-community. these people keep me sane and the friendships i have developed through community mean more to me than words can say. they join me on my roller coaster instead of just watching from the sidelines.

i am trying my best to count my blessings today. the haze of the day to day seems to be beginning to lift, but will it be enough?

i know i will outgrow this time. things will relax in January after the semester changes. i just have to make it through this semester. take it day by day. week by week.

my God is a Rock and not a pebble or a stone for a specific reason. He will not bend or break to my small issues. He will help me carry them and make sure their foundation is firm.